So Who Will Clean Up Trump’s Big Mess?

Jun 13, 2017

—

By Elayne Savage PhD

The Back Story:

For months I’ve had a this recurring visual image prancing around my head – Donald Trump standing in his crib in diapers, smearing the walls with poop, making a big mess.

So I asked Barbara Dale, one of my favorite cartoonists, to illustrate my visual idea for this blog. It has been lots of fun collaborating with her . . .

llustration by Barbara Dale. © Dale Enterprises, Inc.

Poop smearing is great fun for toddlers but hugely exasperating for parents cleaning up the mess. Think of the supplies of Lysol, Clorox Wipes and Mr. Clean Erasers they have to stock up on.

To the parents this behavior represents disarray, chaos, impulsiveness, unruliness and willfulness and, yes, parents tend to take it personally.

Child development experts advise poop smearing is pretty normal and may be a way of expressing feelings of frustration and anger and counteracting helplessness and powerlessness. And for sure it gets attention when the parents freak out.

On the positive side this fascination with poop might indicate a readiness for potty training and thankfully by the age of 3 or 4 they outgrow the need to smear.

Confusion Between Fact and Fantasy, Truth and Fiction

Toddlers see themselves as the center of their universe – very me – me – me oriented with no ability to see another person’s perspective.

Related to this egocentrism is magical thinking, the belief that one’s own thoughts, wishes, or desires can influence the external world.

Young children live midway between the world of magic and the world of reality. Children from ages 3 to 7 create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins.

In Don’t Take It Personally! I quote one of my favorite descriptions of the magical world of children in The Magic Years by one of my teachers, Selma Fraiberg:

“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible …. Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.”

Children usually outgrow magical thinking by the age of 6 or 7, yet some never quite outgrow this confusion between truth and fiction, continuing to stretch the truth when they are grown ups.

Why? To get attention. To impress. To avoid trouble. To avoid conflict. To cover tracks. To shift blame.

Unfortunately others tend to see this behavior as deceitful and untrustworthy. Especially when there is out-of -control-non-stop lying.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325982#what-is-pathological-lying

Fraiberg also makes the point that the child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen.

Residing in the Center of Your Universe

As adults we may also find ourselves in the center of our universe, especially when we are taking something personally –– seeing ourselves as the target of slights or personal attacks.

For some, residing in the center of their universe can involve entitlement, specialness, grandiosity, arrogance, selfishness, a craving for attention and adoration, the inability to empathize, and having a bloated sense of self-worth. Are you recognizing all this as traits being written lately describing narcissism?

Trouble is, for many, being in the center of the universe usually includes having a false sense of self-worth. In fact, they have a need to puff themselves up because under all the self-hype they’re really feeling full of self-doubt and self-rejection with a tendency toward self-destructing by repeated self-sabotage.

When self-esteem is this low it is too humiliating and shameful to admit we made a mistake or were wrong. Instead of taking responsibility for our actions we tend to smear the bad feelings around by blaming others or by projecting our dark thoughts, vulnerabilities and fears onto others.

(Most recently I wrote about psychological projection last month in 'Finger-Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection': "Psychological projection is a form of being in the center of our universe. Projection is when we attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.")

Because blaming ourselves is an easy self-rejecting place to go to, it becomes difficult or impossible to take responsibility for our actions.

I’m always reminding my coaching and psychotherapy clients: “Taking responsibility for your own actions is not the same as blaming yourself."

Saboteurs and Provocateurs

Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior and mostly happens when self-doubt creeps in.

The definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper, hurt or undermine a cause.'

History offers this intriguing image of how the word came to be:

You may know 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. During the Industrial Revolution discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it.

The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'clumsiness,’ 'botching' or ‘bungling.’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

Self-sabotage clogs up our machinery with self-doubt about our capability and competence, feelings of inadequacy or working against our own best interests.

Just maybe, under all the President’s self-aggrandizement, grandiosity, self-importance and boasting, he really feels defective, inferior and ashamed. Maybe he can’t keep from reminding himself of his flaws by sabotaging himself with carelessness and hubris.

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by taking chances and getting sloppy. And sometimes we get caught! Could it be that a part of us likes the excitement of getting away with something and a part of us kind of wants to be contained and restrained by being found out? It's easy enough to become forgetful and leave materials or devices around where others might find them.

Saboteur rhymes with provocateur – another way of smearing the shit around. Have you ever heard the term 'shit-kicker’ used for someone who disrupts things or picks fights and creates a crisis?

These behaviors easily promote chaos – an out-of-control environment of disorganization, confusion and turmoil. And by the way this is probably exactly how parents feel each time they walk into their toddler’s room and find the walls smeared with feces.

Self-Respect Instead of Self-Reject

Wouldn't it be great if we could become our own best supporter instead of our worst saboteur? Wouldn’t it be great if we could choose not to make messes, and avoid stepping in them?

Wouldn’t it be great if we could give ourselves some self-respect instead of self-reject?

Wouldn’t it be refreshing to be able to have self-respect as a model of behavior from our leader?

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!  

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Reposting Rules

You can reprint any blog from ‘Tips from The Queen of Rejection’® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website.

And I’d really appreciate if you’d notify me where and when the material will appear.

Comments

7 responses to “So Who Will Clean Up Trump’s Big Mess?”

Ilene

June 17, 2017

love it!

Reply
DE

June 17, 2017

Dear Elayne,
You may recall that you have been an inspiration to me and your book Don’t Take It Personally was transformative. Because of that, I was deeply upset with your submission this month denigrating President Trump. The cartoon was disgusting and disrespectful and your analysis of someone whom you do not know simply reflects which media you follow.
I have been attacked by the “new Liberals” for supporting Trump. I did not like his name calling during the primaries but did not expect that Democrats would begin name calling, personal attacks, unfriending and crude disrespectful behavior after Trump won.
The previous administration was built on a foundation of polite, political deceit from Fast and Furious, Benghazi, rushing to judgment, causing racial riots, covert dangerous deals with Iran, stabbing Israel in the back at the UN, public servants earning millions and billions, pandering to our enemies and the list goes on.
I was a lifelong liberal Democrat when liberal still meant tolerance and respect for those who disagree with us. The previous administration was built on a foundation of polite, political deceit from Fast and Furious, Benghazi, rushing to judgment, causing racial riots, covert dangerous deals with Iran, stabbing Israel in the back at the UN, public servants earning millions and billions, pandering to our enemies and the list goes on and on.
Hillary, Loretta Lynch, Susan Rice lied even in the face of contrary facts. Hillary lost and every day she blames someone else.
Those who refuse to support the outcome of the election and our president seem to have adopted the mantra, “When he went low, now we’ll go lower to the point of being disgusting and vulgar. I have listed to someone testify on TV word for words and then I read four news reports that report “selectively” giving different impressions. Then there outright fake news. I am tired of investigations into investigations like the wooden Russian dolls.
Trump did not need this. Maybe he felt compelled to try to fix what wrong with a failed healthcare system, the economy, our foreign policy, and security.
Why are people dividing into party lines and attacking each other? We face some really dangerous treats. Do we need a national crisis to unite us and stop reacting like ill-behaved children?
Please try to understand why a lot of educated people voted for Trump and are saddened by these attacks which do feel personal.

Reply
Linda

June 17, 2017

Thank you for perfectly capturing my thoughts about this mess.
I love reading about your visual image and that you actually commissioned a cartoon!. You really nailed it!

Reply
Roberta Guise

June 17, 2017

Oh lordy, to quote James Comey.
This belongs as an essay somewhere. SF Chronicle Insight? NY Times? Go for it!

Reply
Elayne Savage

June 17, 2017

I very much appreciate that you took the time to write your thoughts and feelings. I am truly sorry that my piece is upsetting to you. I did not intend to write anything to disgust you.
My thinking is my own. I have been blogging many of these ideas over the last year. I have not heard or read these specific concerns in the media and I regularly read/watch many points of view including Fox News,
However, I have read several printed letters and pieces by psychologists. My alarm comes from their concerns and by conversations in person and on list serves with therapist colleagues about the state of Donald Trump’s mental health. This mostly involves the distortions, the repeated misrepresentation of facts and the seeming inability to distinguish reality from fantasy.
In the past people in my profession were supposed to follow the Goldwater Rule which forbids mental-health professionals to give opinions on public figures we haven’t personally examined. However with countless statements via tweets and interviews we get to observe first-hand examples of Donald Trump’s traits and behaviors.
–– Elayne

Reply
burt dubin

June 17, 2017

You said it all. Your masterful summary is replete with
child psychology principles.
Is your analysis a text you could publish
as an op-ed in conservative print media?
Certainly worth circulating, one way or the other!
My 2 cents,
Burt

Reply
DE

June 17, 2017

Thank you for your response. It really did hurt to think that someone whose work instructs people on how to get along and understand that another person’s perspective may be misunderstood by our own experiences. And then I woke up to the carnage in a baseball field. I know that the killer was deranged but collectively this hateful rhetoric ignited his madness.
I don’t doubt that psychologists see Trump differently because they have their own orientation and are looking through that magnifying glass and did not do for Obama or Hillary. No one wants to be accused of being racist of a misogynist! People who know Trump personally are often surprised how his private persona is so different. His daughter probably reflects it best.
I don’ think Donald Trump is mentally ill. He may have ADHD. His IQ is 140 and he may not express himself with the political BS were are used to but he is not delusional.
Where were these professionals when Bill and Hillary and Obama were exhibiting obvious signs of mental illness such as pathological lying, sociopathic behavior, denial.
My sister lives ion the West Coast. I cannot discuss politics with her at all. We are getting different news and the sad thing is there is no dialog.
There are a lot of hidden Trump supporters. I stood in 95-degree heat for 4 hours at night in August at a Rally here on the East Coast that was packed. But if you come out publicly you get called every kind of hateful syndrome.
There is so much fake news that it is like the entire country is brainwashed. I am afraid because I believe that WWII and fascism and Nazis succeeded because countries can experience something like a global madness or depression, leaving us vulnerable to evil ideologies.
I should stop because I could write a book. I encourage you to do what I once did that based on your book when I hated my new boss. I had two choices, find some way to accept him or leave. I loved my job and the people I served. So I “walked beside myself” (as you always advise) and tried to understand him. My ability to empathize with this strange man in a new job worked and we developed a better relationship and the community benefitted.
The country needs to do that.

Reply