By Elayne Savage, PhD
Harper Lee and "Scout" on To Kill a Mockingbird movie set
I was always a timid child, too scared to speak up for myself, hesitant to ask for what I needed, fearful of putting myself ‘out there.’
Something changed the day I phoned Harper Lee to invite her to be the keynoter at our Board of Publications Banquet.
Then Harper Lee herself answered the phone! Amazingly I didn’t hang up.
Pretty hard to hang up when the Mahout business staff was witnessing this little drama.
Trying very hard to bond with her, I blurted out our Alabama humor magazine Editor and Business Manager connection. We were both aware how unusual it was back then for women to hold these positions.
My attempt at connecting didn’t work, of course. Harper Lee respectfully and regretfully declined my invitation.
Not that I really expected her to drive 140 miles from Monroeville to Tuscaloosa just to speak to a bunch of want-to-be journalists.
Yet what a thrill it was to speak with her! And how proud I was of myself for making that call!
This act of courage on my part opened the way to some much-needed self-acceptance. I would no longer think of myself as the timid kid, always believing “I can’t.”
That moment was my first realization that “I can!”
Scout’s Amazing Spunk
I often think about that day. I can still see myself in the Mahout office, the phone in my shaking hand.
The image is forever etched. And whenever I need a big dose of encouragement, I can pull it up.
Harper Lee’s death got me thinking more than usual about that phone call so many years ago. I can still feel the flush of bravery I felt that day.
I think what actually happened is I borrowed Scout’s spunk.
My dog-eared copy’ of To Kill a Mockingbird convinced me I wanted to learn to be courageous like Scout.
In my most challenging moments thinking back to that day gives me renewed courage. It has helped me to be ‘out there in the world.’
Thinking back to that day enables me to meet new people, and to initiate making plans with them by saying, “And when would you like to get together again?”
For me, that act takes courage!
Can you think of an experience in your own life that stands out as a beacon of light for approaching future courageous situations?
The Many Flavors of “Spunk”
So I’ve been thinking about the many flavors of “spunk” — and how I’ve watched myself grow into some amount of competency in some of these.
Here a few of the spunk-like terms that especially resonate for me:
perseverance
determination
bravery
courage
fearlessness
tenacity
feistiness
Each has it’s own special meaning along my perseverance path. Yet, there are some sides to spunk that are not always considered positive or flattering: feisty” and “tenacious” are words I’ve been called lots of times.
Can you think of some other descriptions that relate to your own experiences? Do you, too, have stories to tell? I’d love to hear them.
Each of these has slightly different colorations, yet it seems to me that they require a certain amount of resilience.
A Closer Look at ‘Resilience’
I’ve been intrigued with the idea of Resilience for many years.
I actually wanted to do my dissertation research on it in the 80’s but it would have meant a longitudinal study. After a total of 11 years in graduate school and working full time, I wanted to be done, done, done.
Turns out that my research on how children’s perception of acceptance or rejection relates to adult relationships had an important variable that was crying out to be addressed in the discussion . . . resilience!
Here are a few highlights on resilience from Don’t Take It Personally! describing how resilient people have the ability to stay intact as they navigate the difficulties of life:
• stepping back from a situation, being objective, and keeping perspective
• developing a buoyancy, a natural knack for coping with trauma in life
* operating out of empowerment rather than impotence
• developing self-regard rather than self-degradation
• approaching life reflectively rather than impulsively
• coping with stress as a challenge rather than a defeat
• learning a kind of emotional martial arts—they know when to bend and spar and fend off blows
Psychologist/Anthropologist Ronald Rohner has studied acceptance and rejection world-wide and was an early mentor as I struggled to navigate my dissertation.
Dr. Rohner sees resilience as having three components:
– a sense of self
– a sense of self-determination
– the capacity to not take things personally
I also really appreciate Lillian Rubin’s description of how resilient children are able to stop knocking on a door that is closed to them, to recognize that members of their family are not able to give them what they need.
As I remind my therapy and workplace clients, resilience lets them learn to walk down the hallway or down the street or across town and find another door to knock on. This could be a neighbor, another relative, a teacher, a mentor.
I guess you could say I not only learned about spunk from Scout — I also learned about identifying resilience. And i got to practice it with the incredible mentors in my life.
So in tribute to Harper Lee’s life, I’m sharing my story of courage in making that phone call.
Thanks Nelle Harper Lee!
Thanks Scout!
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
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