Tips from the Queen of Rejection®

It’s Just Not Fair – In the Worlds of Donald Trump and Amazon.com

—

by

Elayne Savage, PhD

By Elayne Savage, PhD

#109 Unfair2

Before he bowed to pressure and signed the pledge, Donald Trump announced, “I don`t want to run a third party or as an independent. I want to run as a Republican.  As long as I`m treated fairly, that`s going to be the case.

And ‘fairly’ is an instinct. It`s an instinct.  I know what fair is. You know what fair is,” Donald Trump proclaimed at a press conference in Birch Run, Michigan:

In Dubuque, Iowa he warned Fox News: “When people treat me unfairly, I don’t let them forget it.”

What is fair for you, Mr. Trump? Can you define it? What do you mean when you say it is ‘an instinct?’

Does it mean you think you aren't being treated 'special' enough because of your sense of entitlement?

Does it mean you get upset and retaliate when other folks don't agree with you?

Does that mean that in your gut you feel treated unjustly? That you feel slighted or attacked?

Does it mean you are taking it personally?

Sensitivity to Being Treated Unfairly

Fairness is a big issue for me as well, Mr. Trump. It doesn’t take much for me to feel treated unfairly by others. For much of my life I’ve not only been smarting from being treated unfairly, many times I find myself considering what being treated fairly means. 

Fair treatment is also a concern of many of my workplace and therapy clients over the years.

Being treated ‘unfairly’ is a feeling we get in our guts when we feel disrespected. Is this the “instinct” you are talking about, Mr. Trump?

Do you tend to take things personally when you perceive injustices? Or maybe a better question would be, “How often do your feelings get hurt?”

Dissing and Taking Things Personally in the Amazon.com Culture

Since the NYT piece there’s much talk about how unfair work practices in the Amazon culture result in hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

This quote from an employee who worked in books marketing says it all: “Nearly every person I worked with, I saw cry at their desk.”

According to the NYT piece, employees report feeling their work is never done or good enough, they say they are encouraged to send secret feedback to one another’s bosses (tattling), or to tear apart each other’s ideas in meetings. Some report being evaluated unfairly or edged out when recovering from personal and medical crises.

I'm wondering if Donald Trump recognizes the similarities with the Amazon.com culture when he sneers "You're Fired" on reality TV?

Most of us have a gut reaction to injustices of being slighted, attacked, scolded, insulted, degraded, mocked, bullied, humiliated, belittled, faulted, or bullied.

When we experience any of these actions, we feel "dissed" in some way: disrespected, dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted,or disposed of. If you take a close look, all of these situations are connected to rejection and taking things personally.

(More about feeling rejected, judged and criticized in the link below.)

Taking Things Personally – Let's Count the Ways

Taking things personally has lots of colorations:

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights.

-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.

-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but 
your feelings get    easily hurt.

-  Believing folks are taking sides — for you or against you.

-  Feeling betrayed because you think someone is being disloyal.

-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do.

-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected.

-  Feeling slighted or wronged or attacked.

-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings and even resentment.

Hurts Tend to Stockpile

If we feel we have been treated unfairly in the past, we tend to expect the same in the future.

We tend to collect injustices which stockpile and fester:

-  "It's not fair!"

-  "I don't deserve this."

-  "How can you do this to me?"

Whenever a new perceived injustice hits us between the eyes in personal or work
relationships, it can be devastating. Those early feelings of insecurity, inadequacy and self-rejection are reawakened.

Early rejecting messages might come from family,
peers, teachers, mentors or coaches. Or from betrayals of
friendship. Or from failed romantic relationships.

They might develop from feeling excluded. Or not being chosen, Or
not being loved or respected in the way we yearn for.

They might develop because our family doesn't understand us because we are 'different.' Maybe our ideas or goals are not accepted and we're told:

    "What makes you think you can do that?"
    "Who do you think you are?"

These cumulative experiences affect how we see ourselves and how we cope with present day disappointments.

It usually boils down to feeling we are treated unfairly.

There is fascinating research reported on how humans and monkeys share an innate sense of fair play which includes a video link showing how a monkey throws a tantrum at unfair treatment and inequality.

(You’ll find this research and a video link below. )

Rudeness is Contagious – and Childish Too

Rudeness is contagious and has a negative effect on performance according to research at the University of Florida.

(See the link below.)

Related to this have been other studies showing how work performance and productivity improve when employee’s are appreciated and validated by recognizing their accomplishments. Seems like a no-brainer.

And regarding the contagiousness – I notice that It isn’t just Donald Trump or Amazon that disperse rudeness and disrespect. It seems to be infiltrating attitudes in many situations all around us. Have you noticed this as well?

Fair treatment is connected to feeling respected by others. And receiving respect from others is easier to achieve when they feel respected by us.  

Sometimes this is really hard to do when we don’t like someone — and there are many difficult people out there in workplace and personal relationships.
I’ve come up with a way to give and receive respect. And it works!

The trick is to find something to like about the other person — even when they are pretty much unlikeable. It could be their sense of style, their organizing skills, their laugh, even their hair color.

Because when you are concentrating on something you can genuinely appreciate about them, something positive will show in your eyes. And since we were infants, most of us are looking into someone’s eyes for acceptance, for that gleam.

If you have a chance to try out this experiment, email me at elayne@QueenofRejection.com and tell me about your experience.

I’d also love to hear about your experiences with unfairness.

And by the way, a reminder for both Mr.Trump and Amazon’s Mr. Bezos:
The Oxford Dictionary defines Diplomacy as “The art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way.”

Here are links to the references above:

Statements about being treated unfairly:
 http://dailycaller.com/2015/08/12/trump-i-was-the-establishment-video/#ixzz3j2pjanIR

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2015/08/25/trump-boots-reporter-vows-hold-grudges/32369663/

NYT piece about the Amazon.com culture:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/16/technology/inside-amazon-wrestling-big-ideas-in-a-bruising-workplace.html?_r=0

On overcoming rejection, judgments and criticism
http://www.queenofrejection.com/article1.htm

On monkeys sense of fair play:
http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/350009#ixzz3iv7Pzk9P
Scroll down to the working video.

On how workplace rudeness is contagious:
http://news.ufl.edu/archive/2015/07/its-official-workplace-rudeness-is-contagious.html

And if you missed my earlier blog on the rudeness and disrespect that runs rampant in the 2016 Presidential campaigning, here it is:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2015/07/trumped-up-and-slammed-down-the-2016-presidential-primaries.html

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



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Comments

10 responses to “It’s Just Not Fair – In the Worlds of Donald Trump and Amazon.com”

  1. David L.

    Hi Elayne,
     
    Your email on unfairness resonated with me!
    From what I understand about Donald Trump is that – much like William Randolph Hearst who behaved similarly – Donald inherited his fortune and then built it up. He grew up entitled. And, I have found that people who grow up entitled often complain about life when they are not getting their way. They are taking the “unfairness” personally because they – as you put it – “deserve better than this.”
     
    My family constantly reminded me that I grew up in a larger home than my friends – with a Cadillac and boat in the driveway. My Dad used to tell me to expect to live “like this.” If I didn’t, it would be unfair because that’s how I grew up.
    My self-worth was aligned with what I had, not who I was.
    It didn’t matter who I was, what I wanted, or what I needed to do – even illegal – to get there, as long as what I would be doing could afford me more of what I was told and thought I needed.
     
    Well, when hard times hit a few years ago, I didn’t get to keep the large house or fancy car, and life became “unfair.”.
    I walked away from debts, ignored collection agencies, lost friends, and redefined once positive relationships with family members. I took no responsibility for my behavior.
     
    Who did I think I was? I thought I was better than everyone else. I was entitled.
    No one else’s opinions or guidance mattered. I just wanted someone else to help clean up the mess, I am very grateful for the financial help I did receive, but at the time i believed I was entitled to the help, and didn’t deserve what happened.
     
    I believe that until a person takes accountability and responsibility for their behavior – no matter how badly that person may have been abused emotionally or physically – that person will continue to live with perceiving ‘unfairness.’
    We cannot take back or change how we were treated, but we can recognize the good in ourselves and use that to help others, be kind, loving, and nurturing – to ourselves too!
     
    To me, it’s not about making the outside ok so I feel good on the inside. It’s about making the inside ok so not to let the outside world determine whether or not I got a fair shot. No matter what, life will never be totally fair.
     
    Donald Trump isn’t being treated unfairly. He’s just a marketing genius who is playing into the hands of the citizens who think they haven’t been treated “fairly” and want his version of change.  
    Thanks for writing this.

    Reply
  2. Burt Dubin

    Scholarly and perceptive, Elayne,
    There is another element too:
    “Personal Bias”
    By this I mean the feeling that
    ”I am better than you know.
    You haven’t the right to do this to me”
    My two cents.
    Burt

    Reply
  3. Mark

    This article was in a recent Atlanta Journal-Constitution. I think that you will find it interesting. Bill Torpy wrote about fairness “In A Nation Of Victims. Everybody Wants Vengeance.”
    http://www.myajc.com/news/news/local/in-a-nation-of-victims-everybody-wants-vengeance/nnTXB/

    Reply
  4. Elayne Savage, PhD

    Yes, Burt, I agree about “you haven’t the right to do this to me.” definitely another aspect of feeling special.

    Reply
  5. Elayne Savage, PhD

    Thanks, David for adding so much to this topic by sharing your personal experience with ‘fairness.’
    I especially want to highlight some of your reflections:
    For example, when you say, “My self-worth was aligned with what I had, not who I was. It didn’t matter who I was, what I wanted, or what I needed to do – even illegal – to get there, as long as what I would be doing could afford me more of what I was told and thought I needed.”
    And again when you describe this realization:”To me, it’s not about making the outside OK so I feel good on the inside. It’s about making the inside OK so not to let the outside world determine whether or not I got a fair shot. No matter what, life will never be totally fair.
    These are both realizations I sure wish Donald Trump could come to. They would look so much better on him then the massive grandiosity and self-inflating to cover those insecurities.
    Elayne

    Reply
  6. Elayne Savage, PhD

    Thanks for link to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution piece by Bill Torpy.
    I really loved some of his statements and especially his reference to the book by Charles Sykes “A Nation of Victims”and the impact of the headlong rush to be offended.

    Reply
  7. Mark

    Have you ever heard the phrase “No good deed goes unpunished.” 
    For me it means that you can do something to help someone and the end result has a negative effect on you.  I have had this happen to me several times, and it hurts, but I will tell you about one that had both a personal and business effect on me.  I felt treated unfairly.         
    After about a week on the job with a state agency, one of my co workers came to me and asked for my help with his commute to work problem.  He and his wife and two small children, could not afford two carsl, they worked different shifts and both had long commutes.
    Bill asked if he could ride to work with me, offering to help pay gas expenses.
    I agreed to do so even though picking him up meant i would have to drive an extra 6 miles each day. 
    It soon became problematic. There here were mornings that I had to wait on him because his wife was not back yet from her job yet and a few times we were late to work. Sometimes I had to ask him for the gas money, which made me uncomfortable.    
    About a year and a half later, a real problem developed when I had to put my car in the shop. Of course, Bill did not have a car so we were left stranded without a way to work. Office management was not too happy about this and told Bill he needed to stop riding with me because I was not dependable.     
    Not dependable!! I catered to him for a year and a half and got him to work.  A
    co-worker came to me and explained that others in the office knew the real situation, but unfortunately management did not, and the perception was that I was not dependable. Fair or not, I heard that Bill was being groomed for bigger things because he was so well thought of by the manager. 
    Bill just let management think what they thought as long as it did not have a negative effect on him.  As I’ve heard it said, “perception is reality.”             
    I got the message and transferred to another office. where I was well thought of and developed a reputation for being punctual and dependable.     
    Over the years I did have a couple of other coworkers ride with me. I told both of them that they had better be coming out the door when I pulled into the driveway.  There were no problems. 
    Sometimes you just have to toughen up and not let the guilt tripping or anger of others have an effect on you.

    Reply
  8. Elayne Savage, PhD

    Thanks, Mark,for your story about your commuting experience. 
    What a terrific example of how situations cn quickly turn into feeling unfair. 
    Your graciousness to your co-worker went above and beyond. So sorry it turned out that he was 
    so self-serving when it came to presenting himself in positive light to management —
    at your expense!
    I just googled “No good deed goes unpunished.” 
    It means exactly what you are describing in your story about the commuting: “that life is unfair and people can do or try to do good things and still end up in a lot of trouble.”
    Thanks for writing . . .
    Elayne

    Reply
  9. Mark

    Speaking of not fair, I watched a program on PBS last night about old Twilight Zone Episodes. 
    Rod Serling was being interviewed and one of his favorite episodes was about a man who loved books and wanted to have the time to read all the books in the world.
    He got his wish–I think he was the last person on earth.
    The last scene shows him surrounded by books. So, he has all the time and all the books, but he accidentally breaks his glasses.
    The scene ends with him repeating over and over again “it’s not fair”

    Reply
  10. Roberta Guise

    Donald Trump has built this huge fortress of businesses in the form of physical properties that act as fortresses to hide his deep insecurities.
    He uses uses massive self aggrandizement, bullying and vitriol to cover his self-doubt.
    Sure wish someone would call him out for the narcissist that he is!

    Reply

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Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.


To find out more about Elayne’s speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. 

Book cover for Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection by Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection

Wouldn’t it be great to not be so sensitive to words, looks, or tones of voice? This thoughtful, good-humored book explores the many forms of rejection and how to overcome the fear of it. Learn dependable tools for stepping back from these overwhelming feelings.

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Book cover for Breathing Room by Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Breathing Room: Creating Space to Be a Couple

Expectations and disappointments, style differences, and hidden agendas lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Before you know it, anger and resentment build up, taking up all the space. You’ll learn how to make room for the respect and connection you hope for.

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