Saving Face or Losing Face?

Oct 15, 2013

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by Elayne Savage, PhD

I started thinking a lot about 'Saving Face' when world-wide tensions were mounting after the devastating chemical attack on civilians in Syria. You'll recall there was lots of talk about a red line in the sand, the possibility of US air strikes over Syria and threats of retaliation.

John Kerry's off-the-cuff remark on how to avoid a military strike by the US was immediately followed by Russia's offer to put Assad’s poison gas stocks under international control. And when the UN Secretary General jumped on board and it was decided the UN would dismantle Syria's chemical arsenal.

Isn't it amazing how quickly they found a workable solution once it became possible to 'Save Face?'

And now the world's eyes are on Washington where those involved seem to be desperately looking for a way to 'Save Face.'

Again we are facing high stakes. This time it is in the U.S. Congress. I'm intrigued with the Chinese concept of 'Managing Face,' and I'm hoping lawmakers can learn something from this.

Managing Face

The concept of Face ('mian zi') includes personal esteem, your reputation and your honor. In other words, Respect.

Managing Face encompasses: Losing Face, Lending Face, Gaining Face, and Saving Face.

Losing Face

Losing Face is a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien' which means being unable to show one's face in public: losing your reputation and the respect of others, feeling humiliated losing self-respect.

This would include all the "diss" words I so often write about including: disrespected, dismissed, discounted, displaced, disdained, disregarded, dishonored, disgraced, and disenfranchised. These feelings of course lead to self-rejection and losing face.

Lending Face

Lending Face is making someone look good. One way of doing this is through compliments.

Gaining Face

Gaining Face means gaining prestige through words or deeds. Making a name for yourself.

Saving Face

Saving Face ('yao mianzi') means to be concerned about appearances. Keeping your pride, dignity, reputation and integrity intact. Maintaining acceptance, self-acceptance, self-respect and the respect of others.

The skill of creatively negotiating means allowing someone to gracefully restate an opinion, change their mind or make concessions. Sometimes it only takes a slight change in wording or reframing an idea. The result is you leave an opponent a 'way out.'

Some folks will go to great lengths to 'Save Face.' They may continue a conflict in order not to look 'bad.' They might even blame the other person to deflect the embarrassment away from themselves. They might lie to cover up a mistake or blunder.

Playing 'Chicken' with the Abyss

Remember the "Chicken Run" scene in 'Rebel Without a Cause'? On a dare, Jim and Buzz race stolen cars toward the abyss. "We are both heading for the cliff, who jumps first, is the Chicken."

In Washington our government is also engaged in a high-stakes game of 'Chicken." Can they step back from the abyss? Or go sailing over the cliff as Buzz did?

These concepts of course are bigger than the Washington skirmishes. Would love to hear your ideas and experiences on Saving Face – in your personal and workplace situations. You can send me an email at elayne@QueenofRejection.com or Comment below . . .

More info about Managing Face:
http://hongtu-chinabusinessservices.com/business-articles/how-to-manage-face-in-china/

Until next time,

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

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Comments

12 responses to “Saving Face or Losing Face?”

Roberta Guise

October 18, 2013

As usual, Elayne, a great piece.
I’ve been wondering for a long time: is saving face mostly a male thing? If not, how do women save face? I’ve never heard of a woman needing to save face. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t…I think, like heart attacks, in women they present differently.
I’ve also felt that saving face is more about appearances rather than about truth.
Your thoughts?

Reply
Susan Ward

October 18, 2013

WOW! those are some great insights, Elayne!
Thanks!
Blessings, Susan Ward

Reply
Chris Trailer, MFT

October 18, 2013

Hi Elayne!
I’ve thought of this too, though not in terms of the childish behavior on Washington! But many times while working with couples or families.
I’ve seen people take positions that are uncomfortable for them and those around them, but they don’t know how to extract themselves from the position they’ve taken. Breakthroughs have often occurred when I provided them with a “face saving” way out. I think therapists are often faced with this dynamic-perhaps more than they realize.
Thanks for bringing up this issue.

Reply
Elayne Savage, PhD

October 18, 2013

What great questions!
I do think both men and women have a need to save face when they lose face.
Losing face can bring on feelings of shame and humiliation for
both men and women.
I think women ‘save face’ more around making excuses — even feeling they need to fib about why they were late or missed a deadline. Probably connected with a tendency for perfectionism and the appearances that go along with it.
Many men grow up being sent to their room in shame for misbehaving. This kind of isolation is rejecting behavior. This is a good example of how saving face is an attempt to overcome the feelings of rejection connected with losing face.
Elayne

Reply
Elayne Savage, PhD

October 18, 2013

Hi Chris,
Thanks for commenting on the similarities between how entrenched couples can get in “being right” and my observations about Washington.
I find not only do they have to be “right” they also persist in making the other person “wrong” and “bad!”
Elayne

Reply
Rosalie Moscoe-Speaker/Consultant/Stress-relief/Nutrition

October 19, 2013

Great article Elayne.
Keep up all your great articles and work.
Amazing awareness for people

Reply
Susan Ward

October 20, 2013

This is great article, Elayne!
I’ve been digesting your ideas and have some of my own to add.
Regarding the concept of Managing Face being about Respect: This might also include encourage, value, give highest regards, extend grace and be gracious, promote, and comfort.
The Book of Deuteronomy defines respect as listening. “God heard their groaning . . . and looked upon the children of Israel, and God had respect unto them.”
In other words, God listened and heard them and remembered that together they are in a long-term relationship. Sounds like marriage, doesn’t it? Or the 4-8 years our elected representatives spend in Congress? Listening really doesn’t require agreement!
Lending Face includes the idea of Lending Respect: I have respect and I temporarily share it with you. In politics this is like endorsing someone so people who trust me will be confident in the person.
I have another thought on Losing Face: Although we often do things which cause us to loose face, sometimes our face is stolen by someone who has been spreading rumors or half-truths.
Saving face to me is preventing myself or someone else from being embarrassed, ashamed or made to feel guilty.
Political elections are often all about tearing down face, preventing face and trying to gain face for self at the expense of others. It becomes an “either-or” situation. Saving Face is a “both-and” situation.
Our founding fathers had the expectation that future leaders would have these skills by virtue of the fact that we could elect whomever we chose.
Could it be that we have lost personal integrity, so we don’t realize when our leaders fail to have it?
We will have problems until we can learn to encourage one another and cover each others’ lapses in judgement with support and gentle redirection. Until we can accept differences and compromise as part of life,
When you talk about the high-stakes game of “Chicken” being played in Washington, it makes me want to yell out, “Doesn’t anyone here have any sense?!”
Thanks for letting me vent!
Susan

Reply
Ann Steiner, Ph.D.MFT, CGP

November 10, 2013

As a psychotherapist who specializes in work with a wide range of groups and the medically ill, the issue of asking for help and the hidden issues of saving face are frequent topics.
The way you integrated recent events and introduced the variety and implications has, as you pointed out, many applications in different situations.
Thanks again for initiating this important dialogue!
Ann Steiner, Ph.D.MFT, CGP
http://www.DrSteiner.com

Reply
Tiffany Leung

November 10, 2013

Real interesting insight on “face”. This is a big part of the Chinese culture, and has impacted the people in many ways. Love to see how you put this into the political/diplomatic perspective.
I came across with so many families who cling on good “faces”, especially parents being authoritative or demanding, not just due to the expectations, but also because of “face” – they want the power, and look good in front of others, e.g. relatives, parents of children’s friends, etc. Children can be affected in many ways – from being obedient, to being rebellious, and the distancing from families/miscommunication…
For teens, “face” is a big part of their self-esteem. They always want to look good in front of others, and they can’t afford losing face in front of the friends – this can cost friendship.
Indeed it’s big part of the culture.

Reply
Gail

November 10, 2013

Tiffany you mention that ” . . . ‘face’ is a big part of self-esteem.” I believe that, to the extent that self-esteem is low, the need for “saving face” will be high; they are inversely related. To the degree that a person has good self-esteem, their need to save face is decreased.
I would be interested in others’ thoughts on the relationship between the need to save face and self-esteem.

Reply
Karl LaRowe, M.A., LCSW

November 10, 2013

Interesting discussion. I live in Singapore, a primarily Chinese culture where both saving face and losing face are great concerns. I find in my workshops very few participants – professional social workers and counsellors – will volunteer their feelings or opinions in front of a group. However, in private or smaller groups they are quite vocal.
The interesting thing about being so “face” oriented is, there is at times very little sense of internal self and asking for how someone feels is usually met with silence.
By Karl LaRowe, M.A. LCSW
karl.larowe@hotmail.com

Reply
Aliyah

November 10, 2013

Elayne-
Very nice piece.
Exploring the Chinese material is fascinating and of course could be expanded to a new book!
I love your curiosity and ‘exploration energy’. Thank you for contributing this informative, helpful article!

Reply