By Elayne Savage PhD
A note about self-sabotage: I touched on the topic of self-sabotage in these two radio programs:
EmotionalPro with Ilene Dillon
http://emotionalpro.com/archives/3577
Your Life, Your Relationships with Hollis Polk
http://www.progressiveradionetwork.com/your-life-your-relationships/ The June 1, 2011 podcast
Self-sabotage is such a fascinating subject – and many of you wrote wanting more information. So here you go . . .
Yet another incident of sexting by an elected official was just reported by the media. This time a Louisiana councilman. You're probably as weary of the copious coverage as I am.
Yet, once again I find myself reading all about it. And perhaps a bit embarrassed that I'm so intrigued by the goings on.
I was amazed at the media frenzy surrounding the reports of Anthony Weiner sexting on Twitter. I Is it my imagination or is the media's lust for exposing secret lives of public figures escalating? You know the list: Arnold Schwartsenegger, John Ensign, John Edwards,Mark Sanford, Mark Foley, David Vitter, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig, and Bill Clinton. Did I leave anyone out?
What propels public figures to engage in this kind of risky behavior?
How do they justify behavior that could cause them to self-implode? How do they rationalize self-destructive behavior that, if discovered, will probably lead to loss of careers, families and respect? How much energy are they putting into leading a double life? Why are public figures seemingly driven to take risks that could lead to facing public exposure, censure, rejection — and the subsequent shame and humiliation?
Or for that matter, why would any of us take these kinds of risks?
– Do they think they can get away with stuff because they are powerful people?
– Do they think they are so special they won't get caught?
– Are they are driven in a way that they can't stop themselves? Is it part of the love/sex addiction cycle of stress/anxiety/self-doubt leading to acting out behavior? (Resource: Patrick J. Carnes, 'Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction'. 3rd Edition, 2001. Hazelden.)
– Is about that "high" received from the hit of adrenaline when they engage in the behavior? The momentary feeling of power or conquest?
– Might they want to get caught so the behavior will stop?
– Could this be self-sabotaging behavior?
Let's focus on the self-sabotaging part.
How Do We Self-Sabotage? Let Me Count the Ways!
For the sake of trying to make sense out of it, let's call this kind of risky behavior 'self-sabotaging behavior.' Surely they are blocking their success by working against their own best interests. Most certainly they are sabotaging their family relationships, their careers and the trust folks have put in them. Surely they are sabotaging their reputations, and their potential to accomplish their goals and dreams.
How might this self-defeating behavior happen, and why?
Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior. And there are a multitude of ways we manage to sabotage ourselves. Let's try to understand how it happens.
The dictionary definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper or hurt' or 'any undermining of a cause.'
However I always think the best description of 'sabotage' is the visual image that history offers.
Origins of "Sabotage"
You may know that 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. It's said the term originated during the Industrial Revolution when discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it. The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'working carelessly,' 'clumsiness,’ 'botching' or ‘bungling,’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.
What are the ways you sabotage yourself? How do you jam-up, clog, or stop your machinery?
Over the years I've been an expert at self-sabotage. I've encountered windows of opportunity, but let them float by without acting. I have been known to mis-address correspondence, make typing errors on important emails when I wanted to impress someone, and misspeak on quite a few occasions. Once I even missed a plane when I was on my way to present a program for an out-of state organization!
Now I recheck things more than once before sending them out and plan carefully – especially when I want to impress someone.
Do you ever find yourself clogging up your machinery with self-doubt about capability and competence. Are you sometimes overcome with feelings of inadequacy?
Self-sabotage can take a myriad of forms. We sabotage relationships — both work and personal. We sabotage our well-being. We sabotage respect for ourselves.
– Have you ever pushed yourself so hard on the treadmill or bicycling or running that you strain a muscle and can't exercise again for two weeks. That, too, is a form of self-sabotage, even though it really feels good in the moment.
– Sometimes we make relationship choices that are set-ups for rejection and disappointment — another form of self-sabotage.
– Sloppy business practices are another form of self-sabotage.
– Missed opportunities, not listening carefully enough to our inner voice.
– Sometimes we seem to have a need to punish ourselves. Maybe even for every "bad" thing we've ever done!Self-sabotage is often the method of choice. Most of the time we aren't really aware we are doing it.
Can you think of other ways?
Self-sabotage is one of the ways we deal with stress and anxiety. Other ways we deflect anxiety are avoidance, procrastination, perfectionism, and making excuses.
My earlier e-letter/blogs have addressed the the tug-of-war of ambivalence:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/ambivalence/
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/12/whispers_and_ro.html
And here is link that explores the fears we encounter when we put ourselves out there and try something new:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/11/fear_of_tryingt.html
Often we find ourselves hitting the wall of Resistance (with a capital 'R') as Steven Pressfield so exquisitely describes in 'The War of Art.'
'The War of Art' (A book about Inner Battles)
Robert McKee in a Forward to the 'The War of Art' (Warner, 2003) says Resistance is Pressfield's "all-encompassing term for what Freud called the Death Wish — that destructive force inside human nature that rises whenever we consider a tough, tong-term course of action that might do for us or others something that's actually good." He goes on to describe the manifestations of Resistance as "a force that lives within us all — self-sabotage, self-deception and self-corruption."
Pressfield describes Resistance: ". . . the most toxic force on the planet . . . To yield to Resistance deforms our spirit. It stunts us and makes us less than we are and were born to be . . . As powerful as is our soul's call to realization, so potent are the forces of Resistance arrayed against it . . . Resistance defeats us. If tomorrow morning by some stroke of magic every dazed and benighted soul woke up with the power to take the first step toward pursuing his or her dreams, overnight every shrink in the directory would be out of business. Prisons would stand empty. The alcohol and tobacco industries would collapse, along with the junk food, cosmetic surgery, and infotainment businesses, not to mention pharmaceutical companies, hospitals and the medical profession from top to bottom. Domestic abuse would become extinct, as would addiction, obesity, migraine headaches, road rage and dandruff."
Self-doubt, Self-rejection and Self-destruction
On the surface pubic figures may appear self-confident and self-assured. Certainly they are persuasive and opportunistic in ways that can serve to benefit others.
And yet, underneath the polished, and successful exterior, there may be heaps of low self-worth lying around.
Perhaps when politicians and other public figures engage in risk-taking behavior, this might be connected to their deep down feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and unworthyness.
It might come from a core belief that in reality they are a loser. Then, as this premise repeats itself over time, it leads to negative and disappointing outcomes. And instead of pretending to be what they are may feel like a huge relief.
You Can Change Your Perceptions
Usually these thoughts are below our radar and we're not consciously aware of them.
In order to overcome self-sabotage we first have to become aware of them. If we can't see something, we can't change it.
We have to recognize our doubts and fears and understand how they affect our behaviors. You've heard me talk about 'walking alongs side yourself' and mindfully recognizing your thoughts and behaviors, then making a conscious choice to experiment with trying out new behavior.
Ask yourself: Why might I be holding myself back? What am I uncomfortable about?What uncertainties do I have? What might I be afraid of?
Which am I afraid of more — failure or success?
Ask yourself "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Then say the answer out loud. Even better to state it out loud to another person like a partner, friend, coach or therapist. Hearing yourself say the words seems to take the charge off of the fear.
What would it take for you to become your own best supporter instead of your worst saboteur?
© Elayne Savage PhD
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Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
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