By Elayne Savage, PhD
This is surely the season for "happy" messages. Here's one of my favorites:
"May your holidays be bright with happiness and your New Year filled with joy!"
It gets me thinking. Yes! I do want to surround myself with bright and happy and joyous. But how? That's so different from the family messages of my childhood.
It's long past time to move past my family's generational teachings: if I let myself be happy, something bad might/will/could happen.
Too often I miss out on joyous moments because I'm not open to them. Half the time, I don't even see them. I can get too wrapped up in dwelling and ruminating and worrying about 'stuff.'
Way too much trudging through the sludge.
But things are changing. Lately I've been noticing how little sprinkles of joy appear in my day. And I notice how my mood brightens whenever I create the space to acknowledge joyful moments. So nice that this is happening!
Lately I've been taking the opportunity to rethink what joy means to me. And ways I can capture some of it. What a life-force it can be!
Seeing With Fresh Eyes
So, I find myself appreciating things in new ways: Kind words. Listening. Sweetness. Consideration. Good humor, Understanding. A touch. My perspective is changing and I'm seeing people and situations differently . . . With fresh eyes.
It might mean rethinking some of my attitudes, or my beliefs, or my ideals. As I grow older, some of these old ways don't work as well as they did 10 or 20 years ago. Yet , all too often we continue to move through life robotically, because "that's the way we've always done it."
The older I get I find myself more and more unwilling to continue to feel devitalized in unrewarding personal and professional relationships. But to change would mean I have to muster the courage to step out of my comfort zone. I'd have to take a chance by doing things differently. And that's scary.
As I nourish myself by collecting joyful moments, I watch my perspective change. My relationships change.
My work with clients changes as well. And I'm becoming ever aware how much more I have to give. And I notice, too, how my focus is changing.
My approach has always been helping consulting, coaching and psychotherapy clients enhance the positive rather than staying stuck in the negative. As I reach out to joy in my own life, I'm actually noticing a shift in my work – even though positive reframing has been a mainstay for years.
'What Would Make Me Feel Good Today?'
I've been putting intention to increasing how I notice and acknowledge joy in my life. I've actually been practicing an 'assignment' I've been suggesting to clients for years.
It's a terrific reminder of how little it takes to bring joy into my world.
Although this is not an easy exercise I hope you'll give it a try. Maybe first thing in the morning when you wake up – ask yourself:
– "What would make me feel good today? (Variations: "What do I need?" "What do I want?" "What would make me happy?")
– "What form would it take?" (How would you recognize it and know that it was met?)
– "From whom?" (From someone else? Maybe from yourself)
In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I describe how difficult this self acceptance exercise can be:
"Defining these needs, putting words to them, may be a brand new experience for you because no one gave you permission to do it before. Don’t be surprised if you struggle with it at first. Try to have patience and keep practicing. Doing this exercise regularly could change your perspective on life. Practice checking in with yourself throughout the day about how you feel and what would make you feel better. You will develop a more defined sense of yourself—and new respect for both yourself and your needs.
"Now that you are beginning to recognize your own wants and needs, how do you go about communicating them to another person? Here are some possible ways to phrase your request:
"Sometimes I find myself hinting around about something I want or need from you. I’d like to just tell you directly. I need for you to _________________.
I have a request to make of you. It’s important to me that you ________________.
"Hearing yourself speak your needs out loud works wonders. Be aware that it’s often much easier to say what you don’t want from someone than what you do want. Negatives always seem to be on the tips of our tongues, don’t they? For example, it’s easier to say, “I don’t want you to keep reading the paper when I’m talking about a problem.” Instead, emphasize what you do want: “I would really like to make eye contact with you when we talk. Could you please put the paper down while we’re speaking?"
At work you might say,"Next time I need for you to give me your full attention and not take incoming calls while we are meeting."
Lots more ideas about self-acceptance in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection'
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
This Season's Greeting message touched my heart and, if I may, I'd like to pass it on to you:
"Wishing you threads of happiness and colors of joy woven throughout the fabric of your life."
Happy New Year!
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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