By Elayne Savage, PhD
Perhaps I'm just a Hopeless Romantic, but Valentine's Day holds a special place in my heart.
Truth be told, what a different story it was in grade school and junior high. I dreaded February 14. I totally felt left out of the Valentine's Day 'scene.'
I'd get a few valentines but not from anyone I really hoped would notice me. I'd be yearning for a card from that really cute somebody sitting a couple rows away. But I was so invisible none of those guys knew I existed.
And I just hated it when the popular girls pranced around asking, "How many Valentines did YOU get?"
A funny thing happened on the way to growing up. I realized things aren't exactly the way they seem.
Over the years I've reconnected with past classmates from grade school through college. What a shock to learn a few of those guys had secret crushes on me back then! They were way too shy to let me know. And I was way too much of a space cadet to have a clue.
How sad to think about how much caring and support we missed out on during those years. So, how amazing and joyous it is to be able to talk about our feelings for each other from so many years ago.
In spite of those frustrating early experiences, I've been able to embrace Valentine's Day and let it become special to me. Staying positive is not always easy because those early letdowns sometimes program an expectation of more disappointment.
Because disappointment can so easily feel like rejection, it's easy to take it personally and feel yucky. Most especially when so much hype surrounds the event. Does this happen for you, too?
How We Set Ourselves Up for Disappointment
Let's look at a few ways we might repeatedly set ourselves up for disappointment:
- Crossing your fingers and hoping someone will read your mind
- Letting the value of your relationship be tied up in a gift
- Making 'guessing correctly' a test of caring. Trouble is, it's a set up for flunking because you are probably not letting the other person in on the rules
- Dropping hints like crazy about that special gift, reservations at that new restaurant, a card that says everything you dream it will say
I've been thinking a bunch lately about how I've depended others to make my Valentine's Day 'perfect."
These days my motto has become carpe diem. I figure this is the year to take charge of whatever is important to me and really make it work.
Mostly I'm doing this by taking full responsibility for the effect I want to create.
Not easy sometimes, though. This Valentine's Day has been an unusual challenge. I'm working overtime to balance reasonable expectations with reality.
I just dropped a card in the mail to myself. I had a great time picking it out. And It says exactly what I want to hear this Valentine's Day. A sure-fire way to not be disappointed!
I've been shopping for just the right gift, too. And decided on a new iPhone.
Let's look at a few tips for desiging and navigating your Valentine's Day . . .
7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day
If you are part of a couple:
1. Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetheart will read
your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly what you yearn for.
2. Keep your Valentines expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.
3. Don't let the fear of buying the wrong gift ruin the occasion.
Some folks even avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for fear of
buying the wrong card or present.
4. Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families with
different styles of gift giving. Can you respect your partner's
'ways?'
5. Don't try too hard to be 'creative' in YOUR gift giving. Just be
you expressing your appreciation of your partner. On the other
hand, a little planning is a great idea. Then Valentine's Day won't
seem like an 'afterthought.'
6. Don't mistake 'not thinking' for 'not caring.' Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Try not to
feel slighted if it's 'not the way you'd do it.'
7. It pretty much boils down to staying realistic and if
disappointments should happen, try not to take them so personally.
Dwelling on it takes up way too much energy and relationship space.
Make room instead for some delicious connection.
If you are unattached:
1. Spend the day loving yourself. You are SO worth it!
2. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to your favorite plant or flowers.
3. Consider buying that little gift you've been hankering for.
4. Take yourself to brunch, lunch or dinner.
5. Be grateful for the people in your world who you are lucky enough to love.
6. Appreciate the people who love and care about you.
7. Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a wider arc than just your little corner of the world.
And remember:
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have . . .
I really like the way my early mentor, author Susan Jeffers, signs her notes "From My Heart to Yours." So I'm borrowing her phrase just long enough to say to you —
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY – FROM MY HEART TO YOURS . . .
Until next time,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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