By Elayne Savage, PhD
Thanksgiving is traditionally a time for thoughts of gratitude and appreciation.
Yet, for some of us, Thanksgiving also marks the beginning of the Season of Stress.
This year maybe more so, with world-wide terrorist attacks creating a sense of vulnerability.
And our fear seems to make us more polarized than ever. Will this increased polarization have an effect on Thanksgiving gatherings?
Politicized, Immobilized and Polarized
World-wide safety concerns are important to acknowledge. And when we’re being inundated with fear it often calls up experiences and memories from the past. Fears we thought we’d dealt with are again resurfacing. We feel afraid and vulnerable.
Where is the line between being realistic about the present world situation and excessively fueling fears?
It seems to me that much of the fueling and polarization comes from the media, politicians and presidential candidates issuing inflamed warnings and spreading fear in response to the recent terrorist attacks.
I just refreshed my understanding of various meanings of word ‘terror.’ One definition is: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase: “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.”
The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country,
With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. I know this is caused by the release of stress hormones, and I’m also aware that adrenaline, cortisol and norepinephrine can cause increased anxiety and depression.
What a vicious cycle we bring upon ourselves!
As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
(See the links below for more on anxiety, fear, adrenaline and cortisol.)
Talking to the Turkeys at the Table
Family gatherings are often a replication of what goes on in the larger context of the world – especially in politics. The extreme polarization we see daily could easily get played out at the Thanksgiving table. Especially if you have a relative or two who are prone to pick fights and insist their opinion is the only valid one.
Uncle John is a great example of exhibiting obnoxious behavior — especially if he’s had too much to drink. That’s when his baiting and political rants are rampant. In his need to be right at any cost his put-downs are mean-spirited and hurtful too.
And he pulls you in every time, like the fisherman reeling in the fish. You're embarrassed when you realize you are raising your voice to make your point over his drunken declarations.
So how do you handle him?
– Remind yourself he’s baiting you and try not to bite.
– Be direct. Say "'Uncle John, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you.’”
Pass the Rejection, Please
And then there is Aunt Stephanie, teasing you again about things you did or said when you were little. ”You always were such a sensitive child,” she stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.
So how do you handle her?
– This is a good time for taking a deep breath. Maybe several.
Breathing slowly ten times will usually help take the
charge off of the situation.
– By the way, since she likes to get a charge out of you, maybe trying not to show reaction to her negative behavior might help to extinguish it.
– Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior, and bullies are often feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others.
– Being direct with her about, “Aunt Stephanie, in celebrating this season of appreciation, i would appreciate it if you agree not to tell childhood stories.
– Instead of wanting to crawl under the table, consider choosing to leave the room gracefully, walk into the bathroom and close the door while you regain your composure.
Watching the Cast of Characters in an Absurdist Play
Sometimes it helps to take a step back and remind yourself that watching your family at Thanksgiving is like watching a Theatre of the Absurd performance. Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes are surreal and maybe by creating little distance you can even find them entertaining in their weirdness.
Employing this perspective around the cast of characters at your table can provide the distance you need to not feel so rejected or take things so personally.
Opt-In to Time-Outs
Here are some effective ways to take care of yourself:
Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to help you regain your composure. Each is way of taking a ‘Time Out.’
– Remember you have choices now. When Aunt Stephanie teased or Uncle John baited you when you were small, you felt you had to stay there and take it. You’re not a little kid anymore even though their bullying tends to bring up little kid kinds of feelings.
– One of your best choices is to leave the room and take a few breaths:
In the living room before or after dinner, if someone acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen and get a drink of water.
At the dinner table, you can say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that their comments are most likely about them and not about you.
– Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can like or appreciate about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.
Planning a Quick Get-Away
Visiting out-of-town family can be complicated and may take a bit more strategizing.
Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or familiar haunts.
It’s Not About You!
Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not really about you.
Other people may be projecting their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.
Reminding yourself that it’s usually not about you, can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in these kinds of disconcerting environments.
You might say the take away here is: Don’t Take It Personally!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
More on anxiety, fear, adrenaline and cortisol:
Bombarded by Fear and Anxiety – How to Cope
Don’t Fear Change. Change Fear
Building Resilience/Managing Terror
Do you have a story to share about your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table' and how you handle them?
Email me at elaye@QueenofRejection.com or post on the comments section of the
blog: www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
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