By Elayne Savage, PhD
Ready or not, here comes Valentine's Day!
Researchers are noticing a spike in relationship breakups before and
after Valentine's Day!
Hmmmmmm. I have a guess about this: Maybe these breakups are just
'the last straw' in a series of disappointments.
First comes Thanksgiving and all the unrealistic expectations that might go
along with it. Next, the December Holidays – too often a gift-giving disaster
followed by NewYears Eve.
Each month might bring one disappointment after another – finally
culminating into an "I've had it" scenario at Valentine's Day, leading to
the big breakup.
On Valentine's Day too often the value of the relationship is tied up in a gift.
Instead of being direct about what we want, we tend to drop hints. These
hints might be tied to the belief, "If you love me you'll read my mind."
Unstated wishes and unrealistic expectations are set-ups for disappointment.
All too often our feelings get hurt, we feel disappointed, rejected and take it
personally.
Ways We Set Ourselves Up for Disappointment
So along comes Valentine's Day. Let's look at a few ways we might repeatedly set ourselves up for disappointment:
- Crossing your fingers and hoping magically someone will read your mind
- Letting the value of your relationship be tied up in a gift
- Making 'guessing correctly' a test of caring. Trouble is, it's a set up for flunking
because you are probably not letting the other person in on the rules
- Dropping hints like crazy about that special gift, reservations at that new restaurant,
a card that says everything you dream it will say
A Great Way to Make Your Valentines Day a Success
I've been thinking a bunch lately about how much I've depended others to make my Valentine's Day 'perfect."
I decided to take full responsibility for the effect I want to create. I'm designing my own special day. No unrealistic expectations. No disappointments.
I've been having a great time shopping for just the right card to send to myself. It will capture my true spirit and say exactly what I want to hear this Valentine's Day. No matter what message is contained on cards from others I'll love my card to myself!
Some Do-able Tips for Navigating Valentine's Day
If you are part of a couple:
The key is to keep expectations reasonable and be clear
about what you need from the other person.
– 1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your honey will read
your mind. Subtle hints just don't work. Be direct, communicating
clearly about what you are hankering for. Try this: “Here’s what I’d
like most on Valentine's Day. I’d like a card, some flowers and going
out to dinner with you at __________ restaurant. And I'd like you to
make the reservation."
– 2 Keep your Valentine's expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it's a set-up for misunderstandings and disappointment.
And disappointment can all too easily feel like a rejection.
– 3 Don't let the fear of choosing the wrong card or gift ruin the
day. All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of making a wrong choice. So they get kind of paralyzed and
don't buy or plan anything.
TIP: Would it make gift-giving easier if you ask your honey to pick out 2 or 3 possibilities at a favorite shop. Then you can go in and choose one of them as the gift. It's even a surprise which one you decide to pick.
- 4 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families with different styles of gift-giving AND receiving. Can you respect each others 'ways?'
– 5 Don't mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind
yourself not to feel slighted if it's "not the way you'd do it."
This goes for gift and card-giving as well.
– 6 Don't try too hard to be "creative" in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you. On the o her hand, Valentine's Day doesn't work
very well if it's an "afterthought."
– 7 AND don't take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room for connection
and intimacy.
And If You Are Unattached:
– 1 Spend the day loving yourself because you're worth it!
– 2 Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to flowers you really
like.
– 3 Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.
– 4 Take yourself to lunch or dinner.
– 5 Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love .
– 6 Appreciate the people who care about you.
– 7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little corner of the world.
What Are Your Ideas?
What are your ideas about reasons for these Valentine's Day
breakups?
What tips do you have for a successful Valentine's Day?
Do you have a story to share? I'd love to hear from you.
Happy Valentine's Day! From My Heart to Yours . . .
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking programs,
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http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230
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Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
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