By Elayne Savage, PhD
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who celebrate this holiday.
And to those of you in other countries, continents or cultures –
wishing you a time of gratitude, of appreciating and of
receiving appreciation.
I'm thankful to be able to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. A few
days ago I had a skirmish with a glob of peanut butter(!) that
decided to sight-see for a while in my esophagus, refusing to travel
on downward. Thankfully, I won the battle!
What perfect timing to give me pause to think long and hard
about what I'm most grateful for . . .
Let Me Count the Ways . . .
I'm grateful for the wonderfully supportive people in my life.
Some are new friends but many are old – going back to middle
school, high school and college. Some are from my first real
job decades ago. And I even stay in contact with my high
school English teacher!
I'm grateful to be able to reconnect with friends after losing
contact. It happens because one of us reached out, and the
other was open to receiving. These are special friendships
because they could easily have been lost forever.
I'm grateful for my mentors and teachers and the opportunities
presented. I'm especially grateful that I have the wisdom (OK,
maybe intuition) to be open to receive.
I'm especially grateful for my wonderful family. And there is so
much to absorb from my six year old granddaughter, a terrific
teacher of life lessons.
I have learned a lot from family and friends.
My coaching and psychotherapy clients and workshop participants
have taught me much. I'm grateful to you who receive this e-letter –
and for your emails and blog comments. So much to learn from you!
I appreciate smiles from strangers I pass on the street – and I usually
smile back. I'm grateful when someone responds positively to a
favor it took me days to work up to asking for, I'm thankful when
folks graciously let me give something back to them.
And I'm grateful, too, for the intention and healing in our hearts and
minds that contribute to making the world more healthy, strong and
humane.
For many of us, giving and receiving appreciation isn't easy.
Sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving for
providing a reason or two or three!
This is the time of year I often give some Holiday get-together tips
for taking good care of yourself by not taking obnoxious relatives so
personally when you are talking to the turkeys at the dinner table.
So here we go:
Talking to the Turkeys at the Table
How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in
battles, choosing of sides and hurt feelings?
Here are some useful tips for getting through the Holidays:
Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants.
He pulls you in every time. And this year there lots to be polarized
about! You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your voice to
make
your point.
– Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the
fisherman' routine. If you need to, get up from the table and
excuse yourself to go into the bathroom and take a few deep breaths.
– Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about your
ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this
subject at this time.'"
Remind yourself: Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of
Theatre of the Absurd.
Mom is doing her 'Queen of the Kitchen' number. She insists
on bringing her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly
lovely one.
– It's almost comical. Why not appreciate the humor in the
situation, and laugh it off.
– Try not to take it personally and remember: "Mom's being her
Mom-self." It probably help her to feel useful and mom-like. Maybe
she's not quite ready to give up her mom role quite yet.
Remind yourself: Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre
of the Absurd.
Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing never fails to make you
uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever
since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes
full steam ahead. "You always were just too sensitive," she
stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. And you
want to crawl under the table and disappear.
– This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.
Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the
charge off of the situation.
– By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
– And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows
the slightest interest in you or gives even a minimal validation, it
reinforces the positive behavior. Maybe she'll even have something
nice to say to you next time.
Remind yourself: Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre
of the Absurd.
Dad is drinking too much again and making comments loudly
under his breath about your weight. This time he asked loudly if
you really needed to put whipped cream on your pie. It's awkward
and humiliating. What do you do?
– Remember you have choices now. When Dad teased you when
you were
small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
– Now you can remind yourself you don't have to stay there and take
it. You can
leave the room gracefully and regain your composure.
Maybe go into the kitchen and get a glass of water or the bathroom
to take a few deep breaths.
– Having a talk with him about it in a sober, uncharged moment will
be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.
Remind yourself: Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of
the Absurd.
Sometimes it helps to consider how the scene you are witnessing
is as surreal as an absurdist play like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot"
or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author." This can
give you the distance you need to take a step back and not take
things so personally.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! And Happy Chanukah too!
Your support, emails and blog posts mean a lot to me. I truly
appreciate your interest and input.
Do you have an appreciation story to share? What about
your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table'?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
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like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
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