Tips from the Queen of Rejection®

Bullying: “Just a Little Locker Room Humor?”

—

by

Elayne Savage, PhD

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Accusations of name-calling, bullying and hazing within the Miami Dolphins has tackle Jonathan Martin AWOL from the team and guard Richie Incognito suspended.

The big-ticket item in the media is the racial slur and threats to harm Martin and his family that Incognito left on a voicemail message.

But there’s more. Now we hear that for months team members have been making derogatory comments including calling Martin "Big Weirdo." Some team members, including a coach, are being investigated for contributing to the harassment.

And the story keeps growing.

I started writing this blog the day the news broke, but held back from publishing because I couldn't keep up with the speed of details unfolding..

We hear a lot about bullying and harassment these days. Bullying has become the most dominant topic of today's media and social media. Opinions about workplace bullying, sexual harassment and cyber-bullying abound.

I know these stories are often blown out of proportion. I guess I've contributed to the bully-circus each time I've been interviewed on the topic over the years.

And yet public awareness of this problem is a good thing. The Miami Dolphins situation has inspired a national debate about workplace bullying.

“Sticks and Stones . . .”

I know how unsettling and horrific these experiences can be and how they can contribute mightily to someone's ability to feel safe and to trust others.

As a psychotherapist, workplace consultant and presenter I've heard hundreds of stories from clients and seminar participants about how workplace harassment frequently brings up early painful memories.

I've heard a multitude of examples about feeling victimized, degraded and humiliated by various bullying behaviors: hurtful teasing, name-calling, or mean-spirited practical joking from peers, teachers, teammates, parents, siblings, or extended family.

Both men and women are surprised that 20 or 30 or 40 years later just retelling the story brings back the pain and fear.

They begin to realize how much feelings of rejection and betrayal and issues of trust still affect their personal and professional adult relationships.

It does not take a highly-charged dramatic incident to cause long-term relationship problems. We all have different degrees of resilience and ways of responding to emotional  triggers.

Maybe one reason the Dolphins harassment story is so fascinating is that it reminds us of our own experiences with bullying behavior. We can vicariously watch how others are handling it – or not handling it. Maybe we can even learn something.

Personally, I'm intrigued by the observations of various sports personalities:

Dallas Cowboys coach Jason Garrett describes how hazing has been part of the culture of the NFL for years. Vikings defensive end Jared Allen observes that it's "a rite of passage you go through." And others talk about "Tradition" and "The way things are done." 

"The culture?" "A rite of passage” Tradition?” "The way things are done?”

Really? I've heard the same kinds of excuses made regarding the hazing in fraternities, some professional corporations, and the military – until zero-tolerance policies were initiated. 

I remember how scared and miserable I was when I found myself in a hazing situation in college. I was calling my family in tears every day because it was such a horrific experience for me. It was surreal.

Looking back, I can see why it was upsetting. The hazing brought up earlier childhood memories – of the times I was mercilessly teased in school and felt singled out for humiliation.

And it also brought up memories of the frightening times I was bullied and tormented by a couple of older neighborhood boys. Mostly they were trying to scare me. There were times when it went beyond trying to scare me – when they put their hands around my throat and threatened to strangle me.

When I feel threatened and unsafe I have a visceral reaction with PTSD-like symptoms. Bullying and harassing will do it every time. Even teasing, whether obvious or subtle, can feel abusive to me.

Learning to 'Grin and Bear It'

Many of us learn to 'grin and bear it.' We don't tell anyone about what happened. We don't confide how humiliated and hurt we feel. We carry it around with us. Sometimes for years.

Then comes a time when we can't take it anymore.

For Jonathan Martin that day came when the team pranked him by all getting up from the table as soon as he sat down. Reportedly he slammed his tray, left the cafeteria and has not been seen by the team since.

Have you, too, had the experience of crossing that line from grinning and bearing to snapping when things get too hurtful?

I don't know if Ritchie Incognito intended to hurt Jonathan Martin when he used racist slurs and made those voicemail threats to Martin and his family.  I don't know if the other Dolphins intended to be maliciously hurtful when they repeatedly called Martin "Big Weirdo." Would they claim it was only a term of endearment?

Some people think it may be Martin's degree in ancient Greek and Roman classics from Stanford and having parents, grandparents and great grandparents who attended Harvard that contributed to his team mates seeing him as ‘different.’

People tend to feel threatened by people, ideas and ways of doing things which are 'different.'

Why Do Bullies Bully?



When you think about it, bullies must not be feeling very good about themselves. If you take a good look, under that aggressive exterior you'll find a scared, hurting, ineffectual, vulnerable and insecure person.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves. Some of us protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. Bullies need to puff themselves up to compensate – especially if they have a history of feeling victimized.

Sometimes taking a tough stance gets carried to the extreme.  A line gets trampled when people behave in mean-spirited, inappropriate and hurtful ways. 



Think about it this way: bullies puff themselves up at the expense of the other person. They have a need to diminish their target – to make the person squirm.

Bullies need victims. Many bullies also need an audience.

Yet, under that aggressive exterior of the bully is someone who most likely is scared or hurting. Blustery behavior is usually a cover for emotional pain.

Can you put yourself in the shoes of the bully? It evens the playing field a bit to remind yourself about what makes a bully tick.

And What About their Targets?

And what about the recipient of the teasing and bullying? How long can a person 'grin and bear' taunts and threats and shaming? When do they realize it’s not OK for people to be laughing at your expense? When do they acknowledge that it hurts?

It's hard not to take it personally when attacks feel so personal.

When a bully oversteps the bounds of appropriate behavior the response may be more than they bargained for. The bully blithely teases or harasses without knowing the history of their target's early experiences with bullying and how sensitive they may be. They don’t expect the kind of reaction they may get.

Bullying and repeated teasing are not just harmless jokes and pranks – there often are long-term effects.

I have no clue about Jonathan Martin's experiences growing up. However, when the bullying got to him, he found a way to escape the abusive barrage. He took care of himself by going AWOL and returning to his family.

Richie Incognito say he regrets the racist and profane language, but adds it stemmed from a culture of locker-room "brotherhood," not bullying.

He labels this conduct " a normal part of the locker room environment."

Really? Just a little locker room humor I presume!

I know well about "locker room humor." A couple of years ago I, too, was the recipient of some of it.

Someone who I barely knew in college decades later sent out a bullying and harassing email fabricating a story about me. Many of the dozens of alums he sent it to were appalled at his childish and sexist behavior and put pressure on him to apologize.

He complied by dismissively describing it as “an attempt gone bad of aggressive locker room humor. “

Like many others, I know too well how "a little locker room humor" can backfire.

I knew that I had to stand up for myself, using appropriate channels. Taking those steps was empowering and I needed that.

Perhaps Jonathan Martin feels the same way.

I made a decision to no longer tolerate this kind of inappropriate behavior in my life. Maybe Jonathan Martin made the same decision.

It takes courage to acknowledge feelings of shame and humiliation that come from being harassed and bullied.

I know how much courage it takes to take a stand.

Jonathan Martin chose to walk away. Leaving/quitting is certainly one option. So often we see things in terms of 'Either/Or.' Staying and 'taking it' or quitting and leaving.

There may have been other options available to him and I hope he tried them. One would be speaking directly to the powers that be to see if they would be willing to work with him to correct the situation. That's really hard to do, though, when the sport has a long history of closing their eyes to inappropriate behavior.

Does this story bring up memories of harassment, bullying or hazing for you, too?

Do you have a story to share?

And I'd love to hear your ideas about these kinds of abusive behaviors in general and the Martin/Incognito/Dolphins situation in particular.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

I've written several blogs about the reasons for, the effects of  and what to do about bullying behavior. Feel free to read and share these entries.

On Being 'Different'

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/05/its_not_easy_be.html

On Shame and Humiliation:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/06/ive_never_felt_.html

On Cyber-Bullying:
 
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/10/the-horror-of-it-all-repercussions-from-bullying.html

On Bullying in Politics, The Workplace, With Peers AND Some Bully-busting Tips:
 
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/08/well-bully-bully-for-you—in-politics-the-workplace-with-peers.html

Feeling Dissed at Work? Here's How to Bounce Back  

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/06/feeling-dissed-at-work-heres-how-to-bounce-back.html

The Collection of Bullying Blogs from TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/bullying/

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2ducIm3

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Comments

15 responses to “Bullying: “Just a Little Locker Room Humor?””

  1. Deborah Edery

    Shunning is a form of bullying rarely mentioned, but very painful.
    The recipient feels rejected and like Casper The Ghost without knowing why everyone ignores and does not speak to the victim. It’s usually because everyone is afraid to defy the bully who forbids everyone to interact with the victim. So many people are being bullied into mistreating the unsuspecting victim.”
    I was once “shunned” at work as a counselor at a nation wide Information and Referral service for elder care. The woman in the cube behind mine did no work, snacked, announced her every thought out loud and made long distance calls to her boyfriend. She interacted with everyone around her but me. No one else would speak to me either.
    My work was critiqued and the smallest errors were noted. I was finally put on probation because I spelled Ann with an “e” and later without an “e.”
    I asked to be mercifully fired. I began to hear from other counselors that they were all afraid of her and that she told everyone to shun me.

    Reply
  2. Andrea

    I like this Elayne. I have wondered forever why hazing is allowed, and encouraged in sports and schools. It isn’t funny at all.

    Reply
  3. Burt

    Poignant message, obviously heartfelt . . .
    Let’s hope it does some good,

    Reply
  4. Elayne Savage, PhD

    Thanks, Deborah, for your wise observation about shunning behavior.
    It certainly is a rejecting behavior that can have serious impact on us when it occurs.
    Your story is a vivid reminder of this.
    Elayne

    Reply
  5. Glori Zeltzer, MFT

    I agree the publicity about this is very valuable so that folks see that ANYONE can be the victim of a bully, even a big football player! If that helps someone stand up for themselves and get help, it’s worth it!

    Reply
  6. Yo-at Esther Silverman, LMFT

    Here’s my question/theory about bullying: it seems like such a modern-day thing. I was a teenager in the 1980s and it was a part of daily life to hear name-calling, teasing, rumors, even the occasional locker-room brawl and fights. And I grew up in a nice city. But the message we received back then, from teachers, parents, even our guidance counselors was “shake it off, don’t make yourself a victim.”
    Today, that’s not the message that is being sent. Today, it seems there’s a victim around every corner, and of course every situation is unique, but I’m wondering… isn’t it possible that a bullying relationship is an agreement that both members have to agree to enter, even passively?
    The perpetrator enters it by actively becoming the aggressor, but the victim enters it, I’m theorizing, by passively agreeing to be victimized. And if they agree to enter the relationship, they also have the power to choose to not enter that relationship. Of course this might not be the case always, but maybe sometimes?
    What do you think about this argument? I’d love your thoughts.

    Reply
  7. Glori Zeltzer, MFT

    In response to your question, Yo-at, I was teased as a kid. Nothing extreme, but it did nothing for my already waning self esteem.
    My response was to withdraw, seek support at home, and do my homework. Had I had enough “gumption” I could have verbally pushed back or ignored the taunts with my head held high.
    The good advice to “shake it off” would have been helpful. Fortunately, in high school I found more true peers, my self esteem bumped up a notch, and I was ok.
    The notion of an “agreement” has too much consciousness assumed, in my opinion. A bully picks someone that they sniff out, that can’t protect themselves. If a victim had the “power to choose to not enter that relationship” I can’t imagine why they’d enter? I certainly would not have. It’s not fun.

    Reply
  8. Yo-at Esther Silverman, LMFT

    But see, for you, “shaking it off” would have been the exact opposite of seeing yourself as a victim; it’s the empowerment that comes from that statement that makes you a non-victim.
    My thinking is that because the victim has reached near-sainthood status in our society, instead of encouraging our kids (or other bullying “victims”) to shake it off, we coddle them and support the victim mentality, sending the “poor you victim” belief system, only reinforcing their victimhood and thus creating more victims.

    Reply
  9. Glori Zeltzer, MFT

    Well, yes and no…. “Shaking it off” would have been helpful. However, I didn’t see myself as a victim. I just “didn’t like the way they were treating me”. Also, “shaking it off” doesn’t always work.
    My son was bullied by a kid in high school. He ignored him, avoided him, confronted him, but nothing stopped the kid from pestering him. The taunts didn’t bother him, he just found it annoying. Finally a friend told my son that the kid intended to “can” him….put him in a trash can at school. How do you “shake that off”?
    Bullying isn’t just verbal taunts, it can be physical, it can be visual, and it can be very subtle.
    I don’t see the “near-sainthood” status that you see. I see it as becoming more aware. To me it’s like now knowing we have kids with learning difficulties. Thirty years ago, they were “just lazy”. Also, with the near anonymity, or at least distance, of social media I believe there is more opportunity to bully.
    So, rather than reinforcing the belief system, I see it as bringing light on it.

    Reply
  10. Yo-at Esther Silverman, LMFT

    And the “yes and no” is what I’m saying. I don’t think this is the case in all situations – clearly there are obvious, textbook bullying incidents in our world, and yes, social media definitely puts a magnifying glass up to those incidents and makes them much more public, as well as giving people ideas about bullying,
    But I’m wondering, too, about our youths’ resiliency as a whole. I’m sorry your son underwent what he did, and I hope he’s okay today. He sounds like he’s made of sturdy stuff. 🙂 I like your comparison to learning difficulties… I’ll have to give that one some time to sink into my brain.
    It’s an interesting subject and I don’t think there is any one “right” or “wrong” way of looking at it.
    Obviously things like this change throughout the generations and with the advent of technology. I think I’m just tired of hearing about bullying this or bullying that – every time I turn around, it seems like there’s another bullying incident and I can’t help but wonder what of those incidents are legitimate bullying, and what of them… aren’t.

    Reply
  11. Molly Merson, MFT

    Try changing the word “bullying” with the word “rape” and then see how it sounds to talk about victims being complicit (“asking for it”, anyone?), or “legitimate” vs non-legitimate rape/bullying. While rape might sound like a lot more aggressive an action, both are violent and invasive.
    I would hope we can look at and discuss the systemic issues here, that we live in a culture of violence, and that informs a lot of how we respond to these kinds of traumas.
    Bullying, like rape, like many other forms of violence, can end, do end, and have ended in death (see most recently Kendrick Johnson), serious injury (Sasha Fleischman), PTSD, and other complex traumas (http://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/local/sjsu-hate-crime-prank-charges-n-word-nazi-san-jose-state-naaacp-233317771.html).

    Reply
  12. nfl fans

    The big-ticket item in the media is the racial slur and threats to harm Martin and his family that Incognito left on a voicemail message.

    Reply
  13. Sharon Skelton

    Thanks for going deeper with this, Elayne. I’m happy for anything we can do to interrupt this normalization of violence and violent speech.

    Reply
  14. Cathy Combs

    I can’t help but wonder about the homophobic undertones of all this. These enormous men carry such a mask of invulnerability and yet it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to guess they are deeply afraid and impacted by the violence of their profession. Sports enthusiast that I am, I can hardly bear to watch it anymore.

    Reply
  15. Cathy Combs

    My additional thought is that when we honor and understand the sanctity of our Beingness we could, and would, never participate in the violence of any kind that is soooo prevalent today.
    My book, “Quantum Prayer: It’s Already Answered! Quantum Reality: It Already Exists!” deals with my ideas on many of these issues. Thanks and Blessings to all, Cathy.

    Reply

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Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.


To find out more about Elayne’s speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. 

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