By Elayne Savage, PhD
I guess I'm writing this to
comfort myself.
I've been in shock and withdrawn
since the Boston Marathon bombings. Cocooning. Stuck.
I haven't been able to write the
e-letter I'd planned. Or post to social media. I've been spending hours online
re-reading every news update and watching the videos, even I often faint at the
sight of blood.
I’m slowly coming back into the
world again.
My heart goes out to the families
of those who died and are injured. My heart goes out to everyone who witnessed
the horror and to the residents of Boston whose space was so severely violated.
My heart goes out to everyone for whom time stands
still with endless waiting for new information about the condition of loved
ones and friends.
In these frozen moments families are hoping against
hope and dreading against dread.
And my heart goes out to our veterans and
active-duty military who have been re-traumatized by the sounds and images from
Boston.
This is an unsettling time.
The Power of Fear
When you get right down to it, I'm scared.
I find myself crumpling under the weight of the
images of the bombings: the blood, the suffering of victims and their families,
the hugeness of the horror.
I know this sounds weird, but there is another
image that keeps running through my head. I imagine what it might have been
like for Suspect #2, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, hiding
from police under the tarp of that 20 foot boat in a Watertown backyard. Was he conscious? What was he thinking about as he lie there?
And in my imaginings I hear his mother's voice:
"Go to your room and stay there until you think long and hard about what
you've done!"
Fear brings on worry, apprehension, anxiety and
feelings of helplessness, uncertainty and insecurity. It can be debilitating.
When these powerful responses are rooted in early
experiences, a child-like fright can take over. We start re-experiencing those
times when we were young and terrified and helpless. Like waking up from a bad
nightmare.
And a small voice asks, "What's going to
happen to me?"
I know this voice all too well. It whispers to me
when I feel vulnerable —and becomes unbearably loud when my safety is
threatened. For those of us who have experienced trauma at any age, we can go
quickly to this place of fear and apprehension.
Many of us have experienced disasters in our
lifetime: natural disasters, terrorist attacks, life-threatening illnesses and
family tragedies.
For me, of course, the most traumatic was the
tragedy of my mother and grandmother dying in a plane crash when I was twelve.
In an instant our family’s whole world turned upside down.
I also often felt afraid working as a social worker
in San Francisco: unexpectedly coming across drug deals on the project
stairwells when the elevators were jammed, being shot at from a window and
missed by a few inches, and the time a client tried to strangle me.
Looking at Loss
Losses and disappointments play a role here as
well. Most of us have experiences that can be characterized as
"loss." From loss of jobs and income to loss of homes and well-being
and identity . . . and hope. Loss of school friends because of a move to
another city. Loss of the freedom to fearlessly attend public events. Loss of a
parent through separation, divorce, illness or death. These tragedies take an
emotional toll on our spirit and well-being.
These cumulative experiences affect how we cope
with present day tragedies.
I have learned to expect that each time I feel
afraid and unsafe and insecure these memories return in a PTSD-ish kind of way. I also expect I will most likely be a little foggy,
maybe irritable, and I'll have a tendency to cocoon and withdraw for a few
days.
Are you experiencing some of the
same reactions? I said earlier that I was writing this in an effort to comfort
myself. Let me know if my musings afford you some comfort as well.
What a lonely time this can be. You, too, may find
it difficult to reach out to others. And yet, reaching out and building
relationships is one of the best ways to take care of yourself at times like
these.
Reaching Out
Have you been able to connect with others to talk
about these losses and fears? A partner or friend is ideal. A counselor, coach
or psychotherapist is another good option. Social networking and forums work,
too.
Can you put words to your worries and fears? Then read
your words out loud to yourself or to someone else. It makes all the
difference.
Acting Out Instead of Talking Out
When pressure is building it
needs to go somewhere. If we don't talk out our feelings, we act them out.
Acting out is one way of releasing tension. Some of us pick fights, antagonize,
fly into rages, slam doors or engage in excessive behaviors.
But acting out can be passive as
well, such as foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, or giving someone the
silent treatment.
All of these behaviors are ways
we deal with the anxiety that builds up when we’re not able to put words to our
feelings, worries and fears.
As a therapist and workplace coach
I've helped clients all week to process their confusion and feelings in the
wake of the bombings. And I guess it's helped me as well to get through it.
Respecting Different Coping
Styles
Talking to your partner or friend
is a good idea but it doesn't always go smoothly. What if you both have
different ways of handling upsetting situations? What if you feel the other
person doesn’t understand you and you don't feel supported by them?
We all have different ways of
dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn our coping skills (or lack of
them) from our family and cultural experiences.
– One person may withdraw,
experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes
over-active.
– Another may cocoon, preferring
alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.
– Sometimes one is less inclined
to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it's hard to listen
anymore.
If either of you feels discounted
feelings can easily get hurt.
Unless both of you can respect each
other's individual styles, misunderstandings can lead to anger and resentment
and there's barely room for connection.
And connection with others is
what's so important now.
Tips for Coping
– Give yourself permission to be upset
and afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into
biting the 'fear bait' that gets thrown out by the media and politicians.
– Put a name to your worst fear.
Say it out loud.
– Talk it out. Hearing yourself
say what you most fear works wonders.
– 'Walk alongside yourself.' Gain
some distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the
“now” of the present moment from the “then” of unpleasant childhood
experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.
- This objectivity allows you to choose to try out a
different response.
- Know
that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than
you. Don’t compare or judge.
– Make
a plan and incorporate a routine. It provides structure and reassurance.
- Try
not to take disappointments personally. It takes so much energy. Remind
yourself, "This is not about me."
Once you create options for yourself, you won't
feel so paralyzed. Once you open up a little, and let the energy flow, you'll
be tapping into a sense of your power.
Move One
Finger at a Time
Do you find yourself feeling like a scared little
child, sitting paralyzed on the sofa, for hours or days? Maybe it seems like you've been living
in a cartoon. Things don't seem real to you, you're not a part of time. Sometimes I feel like that myself.
When you're feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized,
dazed, numbed, or stunned and it becomes hard to think or act. Try to
move.
Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try
to get that energy flowing. Once you do even a small amount of movement you are
no longer stuck.
If you can remember to move your finger back and
forth, then your arm, you have just made a choice to reconnect with your body.
Self-soothing works here too. By gently stroking your hand or your arm or your
shoulder, you activate energy
Try pressing the thumb of one hand into the palm of
the other. Apply enough pressure to bring yourself back to consciousness, and
to your feelings. You have just brought time back into the picture.
Breathe in the Colors
My own personal favorite when I'm in a negative
place is to take a walk. Releasing those endorphins makes a difference to my
feeling of well-being. While I'm walking I breathe in the colors around me; the
trees, plants, flowers, buildings, cars. This keeps me present and grounded.
And appreciative of my world.
Unblocking Energy and Moving It Around
Here's some imagery from 'Don't Take It Personally!
The Art of Dealing with Rejection' which may be helpful.
Visualize a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of
warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving through the
interconnected tunnels. As the
energy flows, a wondrous transformation takes place. Notice how the negative
messages of childhood take on new qualities as they flow from space to
space.
As the energy changes from life-depleting to
life-sustaining, it provides sustenance, allowing room for your needs and
wants, and encouraging clear boundaries. Then the energy develops new vitality,
permitting choices and enhancing good communication. And it keeps on moving and flowing.
Watch the energy spread, growing into
self-acceptance and creativity. Marvel at how it fills you with a new
experience of yourself and new ways of relating to others.
I’d very much like to hear your experiences with
loss and fear. You can e-mail me at elayne@QueenofRejection.com
or post under comments in the box at the bottom this blog entry.
Resources:
Here is a terrific piece by Patricia Watson, PhD on
coping with distress, traumatic stress and PTSD
More about Elayne's experience with the tragedy of
the plane crash;
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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Elayne
Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To
find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching
and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
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Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230
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