By Elayne Savage, PhD
Here are some helpful tips for navigating Valentine's Day whether you are in a relationship or unattached.
If you are currently in a relationship:
Are you crossing your fingers and hoping your honey will read your mind?
Are you dropping hints about what you yearn for?
And are you disappointed once again?
Could your disappointment even feel like a rejection?
One man I know tells this story: "I'm afraid to buy even a card for Valentine's Day. I get so anxious that I might choose the wrong one, I just don't buy anything.
"If I can't even buy a card so how can I try venturing into the realm of buying a gift. I would most likely go from shop to shop to shop trying to decide on the 'right' one. And I'd probably just give up."
"You'd be guessing correctly that whoever I'm dating at the time gets pretty upset with me. They get disappointed and hurt. Then they want to break up."
Set-up for Disappointment
Unstated wishes and unrealistic expectations can be set-ups for disappointment. Especially on Valentine's Day. And we know too well how disappointments and misunderstandings can lead to resentment.
Most of these disappointments come from unrealistic hopes and expectations.
One Valentine's Day I really wanted a certain book of poetry. I thought I had dropped some pretty good hints. The hints didn't work and I didn't get the book. I can remember being very hurt. And yes, taking it personally!
Maybe if I'd had the skills back then to ask directly and clearly for the specific gift I wanted, I just might have received it.
Clearly subtle hints might not work. More obvious hints may not work either. However, If only you can say what you really want.
Try this: “Here’s what I’d like most on Valentine's Day. I’d like a card, some flowers and going out to dinner with you at __________ restaurant. And I'd like you to make the reservation."
So here comes Valentine's Day. Just around the corner. How can you can make this Valentine’s Day a success and avoid misunderstandings and disappointments?
How can you keep your expectations reasonable and be clear about what you want from the other person?
7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day
Here are a few tips for navigating Valentine's Day:
If you are part of a couple:
-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will read your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly about what you yearn for.
-2 Keep your Valentine's expectations realistic and do-able. Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.
-3 Don't let the fear of choosing the wrong card or gift ruin the day. All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for fear of making a wrong choice. So they get sort of paralyzed and don't do anything.
TIP: Would it make gift-giving easier if you ask your honey to pick out 2 or 3 possibilities at a favorite shop. Then you can go in and choose one of them as the gift. It's even a surprise which one you decide to pick.
-4 Don't mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner's way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind yourself not to feel slighted if it's "different than the way you'd do it." This goes for gift-giving as well.
-5 Just be you. On the other hand, Valentine's Day doesn't work very well if it seems like an "afterthought."
-6 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families with different styles of gift giving AND receiving. Respect each others 'ways.' Don't try too hard to be "creative" in YOUR gift giving.
-7 AND don't take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too mucenergy and relationship space. Leave room for connection and intimacy.
I want to highlight the point above about honoring style differences. Especially around gift-giving and receiving. There’s so much more to say about style differences, I'll be writing a follow up blog shortly.
And Whether you are Attached or Unattached:
1. Give yourself the gift of love.
2. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to your favorite plant or flowers.
3. Consider buying that little gift you've been wanting.
4. Take yourself to brunch, lunch or dinner.
5. Be grateful for the people in your world who you are lucky enough to love.
6. Appreciate the people who love and care about you.
7. Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a wider arc than just your little corner of the world.
And remind yourself:
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have . . .
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Happy Valentine's Day. And as my mentor Susan Jeffers always says: From my heart to yours . . .
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
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A COUPLE from Amazon:
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Elayne Savage
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