by Elayne Savage, PhD
Wendy Wasserstein was the first woman playwright to win a Tony Award, and a Pulitzer as well for 'The Heidi Chronicles.'
She died of lymphoma in 2006. She was 55 years old.
In Julie Salamon's 'Wendy and the Lost Boys: The Uncommon Life of Wendy Wasserstein' we understand how the onslaught of childhood rejection messages affected the woman she grew into.
Wendy's Story – "Look at That Fat Girl"
The mother, Lola Wasserstein, pushed Wendy to succeed yet undermined her with criticism. The book describes how, walking down the street together, Lola Wasserstein might point to the crowd and inform her daughter, “They are all looking at you and thinking, ‘Look at that fat girl.’
It's no surprise that Wendy had a life-long discomfort with her body.
Any of us who grew up with family secrets can relate to how it must have felt for Wendy to learn as an adult that there was a fifth brother who was never spoken about. First-born Abner had been sent away to an institution years earlier.
Wendy grew up shrouding herself in her own secrets. She made friends easily and people felt connected to her, yet Salamon writes that she used “humour as a dodge, intimacy as a smoke screen.” She had great difficulty connecting with friends on an authentic level. Her closest friends wondered how well they knew her. She had a baby at age 48, never revealing the identify of the father.
Wendy was the youngest of five born to Polish immigrant parents who had big dreams for their children. And surely they were ultra-achievers.
Sandra, the eldest, became a high-ranking corporate executive. She died at age 60, a few years before Wendy's death. Georgette, the middle daughter, became the successful owner of a large country inn in Vermont. Bruce was a billionaire investment banker who died in 2009 at age 61. His death was surrounded by secrecy as was much of his life. Another testimony to the power of the childhood messages he grew up with.
Let's take a look at how the experiences we have in childhood can affect our personal and professional lives as adults. And then consider what we can do to change that.
Wendy Wasserstein once said: "Sometimes if you can create order out of experiences, it lets you pass through them."
The stories below happen to be messages from families. Some of the most damaging messages, however, come from teachers and peers.
Hannah's Story – "They'll Find Out I'm an Imposter"
Hannah's mother would say, "What makes you think you can do that?" And Hannah tried so hard to please her, but the response would be "you didn't do a good enough job – you really disappoint me."
Is it any surprise that Hannah, a successful consultant, becomes overly anxious before each client meeting. She tells herself: I'll disappoint them for sure. I won't be as good as they expect me to be."
Our work together concentrates on how she can build on her successes and not automatically jump to those negative messages from childhood. We focus on the situations where she has been effective. Doing a good job no longer has to be dependent on her impossible-to-please-mother! What would it take for her to stop taking that old message so personally?
Ryan's Story – "I Feel Like the End of the Food Chain"
"'That idea is foolish' my mother would say." My needs or style were never honored. I was expected to do things their way. To think like them. I never had a say. I felt invisible and inadequate."
And this situation is recreated often in Ryan's contract work interactions. Once again he feels powerless, afraid to rock the boat with clients, hearing the old childhood refrain in his head: "Don't upset your mother." These days this translates to, "Don't upset the client."
Related to this is the childhood injunction: "Don't questions us – it's disrespectful."
This means Ryan had to guess the meaning when it was not clear. And in his family, communication was often murky – full of undefined meaning.
You can imagine how this plays out in his dealing with clients who are fuzzy in communicating their ideas and goals for a project. "It's sure hard to keep persevering and go after direct answers when the message of 'Questioning is bad' plays in my head."
Working together our job is to find ways for Ryan to move past those powerful growing up messages. To separate the 'then' from the 'now.' Can Ryan remind himself that as a young person he felt he did not have options for responding. Can he remind himself that as an adult he does have the power of choice. If only he can stay in the present and not get overwhelmed by the past.
Julia's Story – "I Feel Obligated To Take Care of Others"
"My mother's message to me was 'You don't need a romantic relationship or friends. You have me.' And in fact she was my drinking buddy when I was in high school. I took care of her then. And I still do.
"I guess I feel obligated to take care of others. I can see how I choose under-functioning boyfriends that I can 'save.'" Then my own needs get lost and I'm not taking very good care of myself.
We looked at how Julia can nurture herself. She decided to concentrate on healthful ways of doing this: Long walks with a friend, yoga classes, regular massages, eating mindfully.
Providing a Mirror
I'm curious what kinds of rejection, non-acceptance messages were passed down throughout the generations in the Wasserstein family. It's fascinating to show my clients how to diagram a 3-generational Genogram, noting the spoken (and unspoken) messages that are passed down.
'Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China.' is one of my most popular workshops (and a section in my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally!').
She and grandpa also pass down family traditions, attitudes, beliefs, myths, scripts, roles, rules, expectations, disappointments, and rejection messages. And if we're lucky, we get a dose of acceptance, respect and validation as well.
Every day in my relationship and workplace coaching practice I hear similar stories to those told here. I'm sharing a few with you because stories like these provide a mirror for you to remember your own experiences, create order out of them, imagine choices for change, and pass through them.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Do you, too, have childhood memories to share? And how have they affected your personal or professional relationships? I'd very much like
to hear your stories. You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
And let me know if I can be a resource to you in any way.
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
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