By Elayne Savage, PhD
Reunions can be exhilarating and exhausting at the same time. I just got back from a series of reunions with family, friends and places. I attended a high school reunion and also reunited with an old friend from college.
These adventures gave me the opportunity to discover aspects of myself I didn't know existed. By stepping back into the past and looking through the eyes of others I could see the reflection of the person I used to be. And I was learning new things about myself!
What Do I Need Most From This Adventure?
For weeks before my trip, I was getting more and more nervous. How would things go? Would I be disappointed? Would I feel rejected and hurt? How would I handle it if things actually went well? And the bigger question: how would I handle it if things deteriorated and I was hugely disappointed?
The idea for the trip materialized when I realized I had a need to reconnect with family, friends and favorite places. So I planned a trip to the East Coast where I had done some of my growing up.
I knew I needed to connect with my family in Baltimore. It's been far too long since I visited. I've never met the children of my two nieces - and the oldest are already four. I wanted to spend time with my brother, Lee, on his turf for a change, instead of in California.
The timing couldn't have been better! There was to be a Forest Park High School reunion brunch while I was there. This wasn't an official 10 year reunion – it was a mini-event to get people together. Hmmmm. Why not plan my trip to include the brunch?
I don't have much allegiance to Forest Park High School. I graduated after attending only one year. I've never returned for a reunion. I go instead to Omaha Central High reunions even though I moved away and didn't graduate with my class.
I experienced Forest Park only in my senior year when my dad remarried and moved us from Omaha to Baltimore.
It was such a miserable year for me. I was such a lost soul. I was so angry and resentful at having to leave my friends and the activities I'd worked for – cheerleading captain, yearbook staff, and writing a weekly newspaper column. Adjusting to a brand-new step family with new family rules and roles was such a terrible experience.
When I arrived at FPHS I didn't know anyone and in all honestly, I didn't want to. And it felt like most of them weren't interested in getting to know me, either. They had known each other for years. And I was the newcomer, the outcast, the freak.
I'm grateful for the few people who reached out to me back then, especially Sima who more or less took me under her wing. She introduced me to her friends, and made sure I was included in social stuff.
She and I have stayed friends all these years. It was great seeing her on this trip, spending time together and 'catching up.' Sima picked me up and we drove together to the brunch buffet. I have to tell you that walking in with someone everyone knew made all the difference in the world. I could feel myself relax enough to smile a little at people.
Making Sure to Cover All My Bases
A few weeks before the buffet event I began thinking about how I could best take care of myself in this adventure.
Besides Sima, there were a few others I wanted to try to reconnect with. I emailed each of them that I was coming and would love to get together.
I knew one of them would remember me because we've stayed in touch a bit over the years. I wasn't so sure about the others, though. Would they know who I was? How would I feel if they didn't?
I actually heard back from all three. And yes, they did remember me. Each responded that they'd like to try to get together.
Ricki wasn't planning to attend the brunch but wanted to try to connect if we could. As it turns out, we never did get together when I was in Baltimore. Maybe next time.
I wanted to see if she remembered our cutting school adventures. We'd show up at school in the morning, then decide to drive to Annapolis, 'charter' a fishing boat and sunbathe on the deck out on the Chesapeake Bay. You can imagine how amused the fishermen were!
Another person I wanted to see was Marjorie, who was cheerleading captain at Forest Park and let me be on the cheerleading squad when I arrived from Omaha. I wrote about my gratitude for her kindnesses in an earlier e-letter/blog;
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/07/the-clintonmezvinsky-wedding-not-making-the-cut.html
Marjorie and I stay in occasional touch over the years. When she learned I was going to the reunion brunch, she said she'd try to drive down from Philadelphia. But a few days before the event, she emailed she wouldn't be able to make the trip.
The third woman I wanted to reconnect with was Froma. I have really fond memories of her from high school. She, too, remembered me and we were able to reconnect at the brunch. It was great seeing her again. And now we can make sure we stay in touch.
"Sorry, But I Don't Remember You"
As I said earlier, I was pretty anxious about attending this reunion event. I didn't know what to expect. Actually, I was trying not to have any expectations – just to let whatever happens, happen. I was curious however about what my responses to all of it would be. What might I discover about the person I was back then? Would I have any surprises? How did other's see me? What might I learn about the person I am now?
I was trying so hard not to have unrealistic expectations.Yet, I really didn't see how most of them could remember me. I became pretty invisible. I didn't go to my graduation banquet dance. And I have never attended FPHS reunions in the past.
I pretty much found myself expecting folks to say, "Sorry, but I don't remember you."
And that's exactly what most of them said.
I was also aware that those who did remember me seemed glad to see me after all these years. And you know what? There were lots of people there that I didn't remember either! I was glad to make new connections.
Here's a moment I just loved: As we were about to leave the restaurant, one woman said, "I've been trying to remember who you were, but I couldn't recall you at all. Until this moment. When you just smiled that big smile how you looked back then came flashing back to me!"
Another Kind of Reunion – With a Long Lost Person and a Magazine!
I enjoyed another kind of reunion in Baltimore. I've recently had e-mail contact with someone I hadn't seen since college. I worked with Bill on the Mahout, the University of Alabama's humor magazine in the 1960's. He was Business Manager when I was Office Manager. He now lives in Virginia and drove up to have lunch. Bill brought along the best gift, ever – the first issue of the Mahout printed under my own tenure as Business Manager.
Yep. There was my name on the masthead, "Layni Raskin, Business Manager." But wait, there's more. On the inside front cover is a full page ad for Tuscaloosa's McDonalds Drive-In. I'm under the Golden Arches with friends leaning on a shiny Cadillac convertible, and eating a Big Mac. Bill said I must have typed the address label myself, because It had the kind of typos I was famous for when I was Office Manager.
I'm so excited to hold this
magazine in my hands again! All of my Mahout issues were ruined years ago when my dad's basement flooded.
So I not only had a reunion with Bill, but a reunion with the Mahout as well. Holding this magazine sure symbolizes my recent journey of reconnecting with people, places and memories.
The Take-Aways
The trip went well better than I could have imagined. Maybe because I thought through what I needed and how to make that happen.
I'm grateful for the opportunity to watch myself interact with old memories and the people in them. I was able to stay present, to walk alongside myself and be mindful of these interactions as they happened.
I could see how that young, scared, insecure person has finally gained some self-confidence in dealing with stressful situations.
I could see how I could let myself be proactive and try to insure my needs would get met.
I also trusted that what happens, happens and whatever occurs I knew I would learn from it.
But how would I have felt if it hadn't gone so well? What if I had I had been too attached to a certain outcome and was mightily disappointed?
What if I hadn't been open to receiving acceptance in whatever form and shape it appeared? What if, instead, I had expected and perceived rejection as I have so often in the past?
How would I have reacted? Would I have immediately gone back to those old reactions of feeling rejected and taking things personally? And if that had happened, what lessons might I have learned about myself, my world and the people in it?
Here is a description of my reactions to another reunion – in Omaha.
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2009/07/class-reunion-a-time-for-reflection.html
And what about you? If you were to take a "reconnection" trip how would you like it to go? How would you plan for it? What would you have done to prepare? How might you have reacted if it didn't go well? Would you have felt disappointed? Rejected? Hurt? What might you have learned?
© Elayne Savage PhD
I'd love to hear your comments and experiences about your adventures with reconnections and various kinds of reunions.
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Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
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