By Elayne Savage, PhD
I do relationship maintenance – for couples and in the workplace. Enhancing what is working, repairing what falters, and hoping everyone involved has basically the same agenda.
Listening to Obama's State of the Union address, two aspects jumped out for me.
The first was Congress' public show of good will following the tragedy in Tucson where six died and Rep. Gabrielle Giffords was critically wounded. Many Democrats and Republicans were sitting together for the first time in 100 years. The idea grew when a couple of members of Congress started talking to each other. A great example of the value of direct communication!
The second stand out for me was how President Obama's address was chock-full of relationship-building words and phrases.
A show of cooperation and civility
Watching this show of cooperation I had some conflicting thoughts: What a great idea to attempt to move past the acrimony of recent years. However, I wish I could trust the effort more. I just couldn't help feeling this show of civility for some participants was exactly that – a public show.
More than just a show in public
The hard work of relationships is more than just a show in public.
I'm reminded of couples who fake a great show of affection and cooperation during family gatherings and social events. Then, in private they then go back to sniping at each other. Their interactions are filled with bitterness and indifference. This is also true of co-workers who pretend respect in public, yet backstab at the first opportunity.
Building Relationships 101
I was fascinated with how Obama's address is laden with step-by-step advice on how to build relationships. Many of the ideas he put forth could have come straight out of the pages of my book 'Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple,' a primer on relationship-building. Do you think this choice of phrases could have been purposeful?
Here are a few of the relationship-building words and phrases I found in the State of the Union address:
Obama spoke of our differences: differences in policy, different opinions, and different backgrounds. Would you agree these are similar to problems many of us have to overcome in work and personal relationships?
He reminds us how we face new threats and new challenges. And how relationships take investment and hard work.
He speaks of the need for teamwork – a new era of cooperation. Working together to make things happen, Using new skills and new ideas.
He reminds us that we have a choice.
He says it is never about standing pat. It requires sacrifice and struggle. It means treating people with respect.
He emphasizes the need for building and rebuilding. For repairing crumbling roads and building bridges. For reducing barriers that stand in the way of growth and success.
He suggests forging a principled compromise that gets the job done.
My favorite idea in the speech is really good relationship advice: "Instead of re-fighting battles, let's fix what needs fixing and move forward."
The disintegration of relationships
I recently saw the film Blue Valentine, a powerful, painfully honest story of the disintegration of a relationship.
We are not let in on what happens between the flashbacks of courting and the unraveling marriage in the present. It doesn't appear there were major traumas in the early years of the marriage. No obvious betrayals or breeches of trust. It was more like the disappointments and rejections that occur over and over in many relationships: miscommunications leading to anger, recriminations, bitterness, blame and resentment. And before the couple knows it, the infrastructure begins to crumble.
It seems to me that miscommunications, anger, recriminations, bitterness, blame and resentment are exactly what we have been witnessing between members of Congress and between the branches of government. I sure hope the good will displayed during the speech finds a way to continue to flourish.
Restoring respect
In my work with couples and my consultations in the workplace my goal for clients is regaining mutual respect. By clearing out built up resentment. THEN there is the space to reconnect with respect.
Restoring respect Inside the Beltway might just work wonders for a more efficient government.
And if you have a hankering to read more about relationships here are an array of blog links from the archives:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/03/relationship-spring-cleaning.html
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/07/cozying-up-to-t.html
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/05/relationship-lessons-from-yosemite.html
And from my website:
http://queenofrejection.com/article3.htm
© Elayne Savage, PhD
And I'd love to hear your ideas on this subject – you can post in the comment section below . . .
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
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To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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