Elayne Savage, PhD
Sometimes we have the opportunity to revisit the
past, and look at ourselves through a new lens. If we're
lucky we can use the experience as a marker to appreciate
ourselves in a fresh way and see how far we've come.
In my case, I got to discard the old rejection filter.
Recently I spoke at an event at the University of Alabama,
my undergraduate alma mater. This is only my second
trip back since graduation. My last visit was 20 years
ago.
This time I returned as a grownup.
It's not easy to go back to old venues. The insecurities of
the past come flooding back. All the self-doubts, the
fear of rejection, the negative self-talk . . . and the feelings
of vulnerability.
What a mess I was when I arrived as a Freshman on the
Bama campus. I was confused and dazed from recent
events in my life.
Just a few years earlier, my mother and grandmother had
died in a plane crash. Then my father remarried and we
moved from Omaha to Baltimore. What a culture shock
that was! And how resentful I was that I had to start over
in a new town my senior year of high school.
Not Fitting In
I felt 'different' from my peers. Like I didn't fit in. And truth be
told, I probably seemed a little odd. And what could I have
been thinking to attend a Southern school when feeling
'different' and left out was my big issue?
I didn't talk about my growing up experiences to anyone.
A few folks intuitively made attempts to bestow kindnesses.
However, I had trouble accepting their efforts and often
pushed away.
One of the bestowers was John L. Blackburn. He was the
Dean of Men when I was a co-ed. He was understanding,
caring and patient. I sure needed those kindnesses. In my
eventual role as a student leader and Business Manager
of the Mahout humor magazine, I got to know him. pretty
well over the years.
And he made an effort to know me. When I got into trouble or
needed a rule bent a bit, I'd be knocking on his office door.
John L. would run interference for me with the Dean of
Women's office. I guess you could say he was my 'go-to' guy.
Not without a price, however. John L. tried his best to keep me
out of trouble with quite a few stern but kindly talkings-to.
In those days, there were countless rules - just waiting
to be broken:
– Alcoholic drinks had to be in
'unrevealing containers.'
– Coeds were to wear raincoats on
campus to conceal jeans or shorts.
– Co-eds couldn't walk up the steep steps
of the Student Union if wearing skirts.
– There was a 10 pm weekday curfew:
"Sign out, Sign In, where you goin'?
Where you been?"
After I graduated and moved to California, John L. would say to
me: "If you get back here, I'd like to have a little get-together for
you." So I'm thinking he meant a backyard barbecue in
Tuscaloosa.
That's not what he had in mind.
I did get back to Alabama in 1990. He hosted a banquet style
dinner at The Club in Birmingham. It wasn't a barbecue at all.
It was more like a ROAST.They took turns telling stories on me.
It was an embarrassingly sweet and special evening.
John L. was my go-to guy several times over the years. He wrote
reference letters for my early job searches. He arranged to have
Forrest Gump (via Winston Groom) write a book jacket blurb for
my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with
Rejection.'
There was no doubt whatsoever that I would make this trip to the
University to speak at the celebration of John L's life after he died.
I felt so honored to be on the program. There were 250 people
in the audience paying tribute to his accomplishments: as the
person credited with making sure the 'school house door'
stayed open and welcoming in the summer of 1963, as Dean
of Men, and as Vice President for Educational Development.
His legacy lives on with the establishment of the Blackburn
Institute, a leadership development program on the Alabama
campus. Mostly, though he was remembered as a person of
great kindness and compassion.
I only wish our contacts over the years hadn't been so infrequent.
Sometimes way too many years went by.
Revisiting Old Haunts and Old Feelings
What an amazing experience to walk around campus,
remembering the bittersweetness of those days so many
years ago.
When I was a student, my sensitivity to 'being different' caused
me to feel left out and less-than. Too often this contributed to
overwhelming perceptions of rejection. Yep, my self-esteem
was pretty low.
What an emotionally corrective experience to return as a
professional grownup, making a valuable contribution to the
event.
How refreshing to return to the campus and be treated with
respect and acceptance. I had such gracious escorts during
my stay in Tuscaloosa and in Birmingham. It was especially
rewarding to reconnect with John L.'s wife, Gloria Blackburn,
and be told I "held a special place in his heart."
And I was able to take it all in and accept it, instead of pushing
it away. I guess I was finally able to ditch that old rejection filter.
In the acknowledgments for 'Don't Take It Personally!' I thanked
John L. for his encouragement and for "figuring sooner or later
I’d grow into my capabilities."
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
I hope John L. took that thank you in. I guess you can tell, he
holds a special place in my heart too.
Isn't it wonderful how some people touch our lives only briefly or
sporadically, yet they become part of our soul.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230
PRIVACY POLICY: Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Leave a Reply to Jeff Cancel reply