By Elayne Savage, PhD
I live in the Bay Area where for over two weeks basic isolation has been mandated and all non-essential businesses are closed down. Streets and side-walks are eerily pretty empty. The six foot rule exists everywhere. And lockdown has just been extended another month.
Changes can be so difficult. Especially sudden ones when we are not prepared. And the not knowing can feel intolerable.
The uncertainty is unsettling and scary. The upheaval of our regular routines leaves far too much unfilled space. We are suddenly finding ourselves with so much space around us, facing way too much time alone.
When everything collapsed, we are find ourselves without the structure we are used to, without the routines we normally have. Let’s take a look at how we can create new structure, new routines, new ways of taking steps to make things seem more manageable and new ways of filling space.
But first let’s take a moment to think about what it is about empty space that it makes us feel so uneasy?
Horror Vacui _ The Fear of Empty Space
Indications of this fear of emptiness and open space have been with us throughout the ages. There is even a term for it: horror vacui, the fear of the void.
For example, consider Early Minoan art (from 1600 B.C.) or Greek art (from 500 B.C.), which exhibited great attention to detail. Vase painters started with simple designs and filled in more and more decoration, until all available space was used up—even to the point of saturation.
There was a kind of superstition connected to it, a way of keeping the unknown out.
There are other examples of this fear of empty space. Stylistically complex and overly elaborate baroque art is an example of this fear of bare surfaces and empty spaces. Cuban novelist Alejo Carpentier describes baroque as an art that moves from the center to the outskirts, transgressing its own margins in the process, leaving no open spaces. And Cuban poet and essayist José Lezama Lima describes baroque as the desperate overflow of the dispossessed.
(Excerpt from Breathing Room–Creating Space to Be a Couple)
So when our routine changes dramatically we are left without familiar structure and there is a void. A huge empty space.
Maybe you got up, got dressed and went to work. Maybe you didn’t have to leave the house everyday. You had your daily routine and it provided security, structure and order in your life.
One of the best examples I know from my observations of friends, family and clients, is the shift that goes on every summer for instructors, teachers, and other school personnel. There is the end-of-the-year whirlwind and then summer starts, and their normal routine disappears. This transition leaves lots of unstructured time, necessitating “shifting gears” in order to fill the space.
Often they find too much time on their hands. I have seen the space fill with stress, and anxiety and way too much over-thinking.
This is true as well for any of us putting lots of hours and huge amounts of energy into a demanding project and then it ends and we are left with a big empty space.
I've been reminding my clients (and myself!) that this void represents a huge loss of how things used to be. And I've been reminding clients (and myself!) how important it is to allow the space to grieve this loss.
And there is another layer here – clients and I are focusing on weaving together responses to the pandemic with past experiences of loss and fears of loss.
You, too, may be noticing how new losses tend to bring up the pain of past losses. Loss can take so many colorations: Loss of a job or relationship can lead to Loss of Identity, Loss of Self-worth, Loss of Respect, Loss of Well-being, Loss of Trust, Loss of Security, Loss of a Dream.
As I've blogged many times before, reaching out and connecting to others as a way of communal grieving can be comforting.
Much more about Loss: What's Going to Happen to Me?
A Plaintive Cry from Josie Therapy Cat: “Where Did All My Peeps Go?"
Working remotely is not new to me, I’ve been offering teletherapy and consulting for years. I’m presently working the same number of face-to-face hours as before, even seeing couples and small family groups online. And I really miss the energy clients would bring into my office.
Over the years, especially when I was building my private practice and didn’t have very many clients at first, I learned to deal with empty time by scheduling all kinds of stuff to fill up my calendar: ‘Wash hair,’ ‘take a walk, ’make a ‘to-do list.’
So I’m giving this a try again – especially on the days I feel the most isolated. It gives me a bit of much-needed structure. It helps establish a routine.
Actually I've been teased about being a list-maker my whole life. I just knew I needed to make lists in order to get through my day.
Then two years ago I found out it is most likely due to my ADHD. Oh, that explains it! And now my old skill is coming in handy so that I can take care of grocery shopping in one trip by carefully making lists. And it gives me something to fill time and space with!
When your routine is changed, and days are no longer predictable and familiar, it can really throw you off balance. When you are feeling especially anxious, you might find yourself trying so hard to control your environment that the people around you might feel controlled by you as well.
Remind Yourself You Do Have Choices
In fact, now with so much safety consciousness we find ourselves making new choices every day: you can choose to wash your hands or wash fruits and vegetables for 20 seconds – (or maybe even 30!), you can choose to stand 6 feet apart (or maybe even 6 ½) in that waiting-to-get-into the store line or in the checkout line, you can choose how strict you are regarding self-isolation rules, you can choose to eat comforting and nourishing food.
Perhaps you can choose to go outside to sit for a while or choose to walk in nature.
You can choose to exercise even in a chair, From the Joe Goode Performance Group: “We're reaching out to connect during this time apart. Our JGPG company members Damara + Molly share a short, seated movement sequence to do at home” gentle movement for our homebodies.
You can choose to counter the feeling of isolation by reaching out to neighbors and friends and family by a text or phone call or email to touch base, to check in, to tell them you are thinking of them and to see how they are doing.
What about planning a virtual weekly tea time or cocktail hour online using FaceTime, or Skype or Zoom?
And my 12 year old granddaughter got to attend a virtual slumber party with her friends.
I even heard about a virtual medical-mask-making gathering where participants put together cotton or flannel fabric pieces then stitched them making much-needed masks for local hospitals.
Here are some YouTube tutorials on how to prepare the medical masks:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgHrnS6n4iA
One thing I'm realizing I miss most is being able to look forward to attending a planned event. Now that all events are cancelled here, I find I can look forward to a virtual event with people I know.
There has been a community effort to order curbside or delivery from favorite restaurants to help them stay in business. Lots of folks offering to shop for seniors in need, exchanging information about which stores are sanitizing cart and basket handles, which stores have toilet paper and paper towels in stock, and even offering rolls of toilet paper if someone posts a need!
Charles Eisenstein in The Coronation describes the power of common cause and collective will:
“Covid-19 is showing us that when humanity is united in common cause, phenomenally rapid change is possible.….In coherency, humanity’s creative powers are boundless. A few months ago, a proposal to halt commercial air travel would have seemed preposterous. Likewise for the radical changes we are making in our social behavior, economy, and the role of government in our lives. Covid demonstrates the power of our collective will when we agree on what is important. What else might we achieve, in coherency? What do we want to achieve, and what world shall we create? That is always the next question when anyone awakens to their power”
https://charleseisenstein.org/essays/the-coronation/
I’m realizing how complacent I’ve been about so many things. I’m learning there is more than one way to see things and do things . . . and surely to appreciate things.
This an unprecedented and challenging time for all of us.
I hope that each of you are finding ways to safely navigate this journey.
I want to acknowledge Odilia Galván Rodríguez for making this blog come alive by contributing quotes from Sarah Crowell, Sister Dang Nghiem and Charles Eisenstein.Thanks Odilia!
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month . . .
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
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