By Elayne Savage, PhD
Sometimes we make someone 'bad' or 'wrong' – just because they have a different point of view or way of doing things. We don't see eye to eye and before we know it, we're taking these differences personally.
What would it take for you to appreciate, honor and respect someone else's needs and ideas? What would it take to welcome these differences – instead of feeling threatened by them?
Allowing the space for expression of different ideas is key to successful work and personal relationships.
Too often differences in style lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, resentments, bitterness, and distancing. Feelings flare up with lightning speed, damaging closeness and connection.
It helps to keep in mind that neither style is right or wrong – it just is. Because the other person is not like us, we begin to think the problem lies with them. You may find yourself thinking, "If only they would change, it would solve everything." Hmmmm. What if they think YOU should be the one to change to be more like them?
Those Pesky Trouble Spots
How many of these relationship trouble spots do you recognize?
– One person needs more privacy than the other.
– One person needs definition. The other does better being vague.
– One person wants predictability. The other is pretty unpredictable.
– One is comfortable expressing feelings. The other feels awkward and vulnerable.
– One is giving (of compliments, of time, of energy.) The other tends to withhold.
– One deals with anxiety by freezing and feeling stuck. The other deals with anxiety by mobilizing and taking charge.
– One shows caring by doing extra favors. The other misses the intent because it is too subtle.
– One goes to bed early most nights. The other is a night owl.
– One can give and receive apologies. The other struggles with this.
– Even differences in giving driving directions can be a source of irritation.
– And of course the biggest taking-it-personally trouble spot for couples centers around gift giving – and receiving. Mostly from expecting the other person to read your mind, which is a set-up for hurt feelings because of unrealistic expectations and disappointment.
Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China
It's not surprising we have different way of doing things. After all, we grew up in different families. Ways of doing things in each of our families are reflections of the generations that came before.
Style differences are influenced by our cultural upbringing. This includes family, generational and gender attitudes of course. But it also includes ethnicity, race, and nationality. Even the area of the country, the city and the neighborhood you grew up in.
Indeed, Grandma passes down more than just her china. She and Grandpa pass down lots of family ways of looking at life and relationships – attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, expectations, disappointments and messages of acceptance and rejection. Included here are attitudes toward secretiveness, openness, trust, and displays of affection. Maybe even giving driving directions!
How often have you heard: "This is how we've always done it in my family?" Which translates to "My way is better than your way."
Wow. So much to keep in mind when interacting in personal or workplace situations!
It's OK to Be Different!
Lucky you if you were encouraged to be our own person when you were growing up. Lucky you if your individuality was appreciated. But for some of us, family members felt uncomfortable with our nonconfomity.' They needed us to be like them – and we were criticized or even punished for attempting to be our own person.
If we didn't grow up feeling accepted, it's sometimes difficult to be accepting of others. Try to remind yourself just because someone acts, thinks or feels differently than you, it does not have to be threatening. And you don't have to take it personally.
I'd love to hear your ideas on this topic. What ideas above are familiar to you? How have you handled these situations?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
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