By Elayne Savage, PhD
Seems like these days a popular way of showing disrespect is by bullying.
Bullying is the intentional use of power over another person to humiliate that person or make them feel rejected and ‘less than.’
There are so many ways bullying behaviors are can feel incredibly disrespectful:
- Accusing
- Arrogant
- Insulting
- Coercive
- Discrediting
- Discounting
- Slighting
- Belittling
- Mocking
- Criticizing
- Baiting
- Dismissing
- Diminishing
- Faulting
- Undermining
- Condescending
- Interrupting
- Shaming
- Smearing
- Spreading rumors
- Excluding
- Offending
- Scorning
- Contemptuous
- Vindictiveness
- Name-calling
- Teasing
- Sarcasm
- Taunting
- Verbal battering
- Picking fights
- Assaulting, shoving
- Taking cheap shots
How many of these behaviors can you recognize as coming from the White House and from Congress?
How did our world lose its grip on acting respectfully and on the ability to be empathic?
What has happened to the willingness to maintain a semblance of respectful interactions even when folks don’t always agree?
I honestly think that it mostly has to do with the process of absorbing mean-spirited attitudes from the people around us — especially from our leaders.
It’s as if we are being given permission by the highest offices in the land to act out in similar ways to what we are observing happening in the White House and in Congress.
Ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety and honesty.
It’s hard to ignore the rampant disrespect being flung about every day — taunting, smearing, mocking, insulting, attacking . . . and bullying.
More on Giving Permission
It seems that whenever disloyalty is suspected the response is revenge –– fueled and vindictive retribution.
More on Loyalty and Betrayal
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2021/06/disloyalty-betrayal-and-secrets-too-.html
At first I couldn’t quite understand why I’m having a really hard time hearing the almost daily name-calling and insinuations.
I find myself having a visceral response when I hear our elected officers resorting to name-calling to try to get under each other’s skin.
I Was Bullied Much of My Life
Then I got it: All this nastiness is reminding me of too many growing up experiences – the meanness of classmates and playmates –– and yes, even the teasing of some family members. I guess you could say I’m having a visceral PTSD kind of experience.
I was bullied often. I was a skinny little runt without social graces — and I was an easy target for the older kids to pick on.
Even in college I was bullied by a sorority sister who repeatedly ‘cobwebbed’ my lower bunk bed by tightly stretching thread from post to post so on the dark sleeping porch when I climbed into bed, the thread would cut my skin.
I hated being the brunt of bullying back then — I was always hoping for protection from the grownups, which didn’t happen. I didn’t feel safe in those days and a replay of that anxiety tends to creep in now.
Hearing present day political bullying makes me cringe. The taunting makes me sick to my stomach.
I’ve done a lot of interviews. I can remember one particularly difficult interview on a national TV show. I was the newbie on the ‘panel’ and one of the regulars made great sport of being condescending. I managed to hold my own, but it was not a fun experience.
After the show the cameraman came up to me and asked if I was OK. He tried to reassure me I did fine in spite of the bullying.
I don’t get bullied so much anymore or at least the occasional snarky comment doesn’t upset me quite as much as it used to. It usually involves teasing which can sometimes be hurtful even when it’s in the name of ‘fun.’
I still cringe at these memories.
One reason I had such painful visceral reactions to these recent bullying instances was because they brought back vivid memories and the fears associated with them. Memories of all the times someone teased me, taunted me, humiliated me, or spit at me.
Too many hurtful childhood memories here, I guess.
Honestly, these old fears and intense visceral reactions are not the kind of reactions I would normally expect to have when I listen to our elected officials.
I just want them to stop being so ugly with each other and try really hard to have a modicum of respect.
I especially need to see the President of the United States behave like a grown up and set a decent example of respectful behavior.
A Major Truth About Most Bullies
The bully is most likely not feeling very good about themself.
In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, scared, hurting, weak, ineffectual, and/or vulnerable.
So to feel better about themselves they might take a ‘tough’ stance and puff themselves up by trying to diminish the other person.
Most of us take things personally once in a while but when the bully feels criticized, they can sometimes take things really personally,
Then they might protectively lash out –– vulgarly and intimidatingly as part of the diminishing process..
However at these times they may not just be wanting to diminish ‘the enemy’ but it seems they might even be wanting to quash them!
Another thing: most bullies need an audience.
And some bullies lack empathy. Because they seem not to have a conscience, they feel little or no guilt for hurting others.
The clinical name of this type of behavior is ‘Sociopath.’ It’s a word that gets tossed around often the press describing our president as a ‘Narcissistic Sociopath.’
And truth be told, often the ugliest finger-pointing turns out to be Psychological Projection, the unacknowledged traits of the person who is pointing their finger.
So Let’s Define Projection
Psychological projection is the tendency to unconsciously see certain traits in another person –– traits you cannot acknowledge them in yourself
One person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations.
They may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots.
If our family or peers or society has deemed something “unacceptable,” it is not safe for this to show up in our interactions and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our ‘shadow side’, sometimes called our ‘dark side.’
And if they do start to pop up, we can feel really uncomfortable. Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up.
So most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing this anxiety when these undesirable thoughts intrude.
More on Psychological Projection
Different Degrees of Resilience
Because we have different degrees of resilience or because we don’t know how to check out someone’s intent, we might find ourselves:
– Misinterpreting an ‘attitude’ or look or tone of voice
– Misunderstanding what someone says or means
– Getting on each other’s nerves
– Overreacting to perceived slights
– Feeling ‘dissed’ and taking something personally
Let’s face it; some of us are more sensitive to words, actions, attitudes and tones of voice than others.
The more sensitive we are, the bigger the emotional imprint of bullying might be on our adult lives.
It’s easy for most of us to occasionally feel bullied or harassed and this could have an effect on how we view our world, what we tell ourselves about the safety of our world and our ability to trust the people in it.
Respecting Personal Space and Boundaries
Seems to me part of the problem regarding bullying is folks often don’t have a much of a clue about what respectful personal space and personal boundaries look like.
If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them and show respect for the personal space of others?
If you are unable to notice and recognize your own inappropriate behavior, how can you choose to change it?
For most of us on the receiving end, bullying is disrespectful and rejecting behavior –– bigtime!
I have written about these irritants many times before.
On my blogsite TipsFromtheQueenofRejection.com there is a listing by topic of many of these ideas.
Until next month,
Elayne
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