by Elayne Savage, PhD
I was planning to write about respect this month because it seems to be the focus of so many clients these days regarding all kinds of relationships: friendships, romantic, and work related.
But then the other day I came across a headline asking “Can Pebbling Really Help You and Your Partner Grow Closer?”
https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/pebbling-really-help-partner-grow-110000532.html
Pebbling???
I just love this background: the term pebbling comes from the mating habits of gentoo penguins in Antarctica. When a young male penguin wants to find a mate he carefully chooses a smooth shiny stone to bring to the female he is interested in. If the female accepts, together they bring more stones to build their nest.
I had not heard this term before and didn’t know what ‘pebbling’ means. But I recognize the concept of “doing small, kind actions to show someone you care about them.”
Actually for several decades this has been one of my favorite themes in my books and my workshops and my therapy and coaching sessions.
I’ve been calling it “small acts of caring.” Which is a terrific way to validate relationships.
. . . AND also a terrific way to re-balance misunderstandings and hurt feelings and taking things personally.
These acts are really about respecting and acknowledging and appreciating. So looks like I’m finding myself actually writing about respect.
Offering to help out with an errand or grocery shop or to take care of having the car serviced or to offer to drop off and/or pick up the dry cleaning or picking up a little special dessert. Other forms of pebbling could be an online “hi” message during the day, or a text message sharing a news story about a common interest.
I’m sharing from both of my books a few caveats on 'caring'…
Caring is Not Symmetrical
It’s helpful to remember that the style of one person may be different from the other, especially if each person grew up in a very different type of family with very different ways of showing caring.
Or in a family which did not know how to show caring.
And there are just as many ways of missing someone’s intentions because their style of caring is so different from our own.
A woman I know was often disappointed when her partner didn’t say or do things to show he cared.
“Some of the things he does are silly — not very significant,” she would complain.
“For instance, on our recent trip to France, one morning Gary stopped the car, went into a patisserie, and came out with a huge piece of cake that was mostly icing. He handed it to me, saying, ‘I thought you’d like this.’
“Well I ate it, even though 9 A.M. did seem a little early for all that icing.”
She’s very practical and generally doesn’t like surprises, it reminds her too much of growing up in her unpredictable family.
He likes to plan small unexpected surprises. His dad used to do the same with his mom.
Gary’s little surprises are his way of giving to her, it’s the best way he knows to show he cares, and he can’t understand why she gets upset with him.
In their relationship, he provides a lot of “icing” when she has “cake” in mind.
“I can’t believe I used to get so upset,” she says. “Now I realize how he does things in his little Gary ways
to make me happy, and I’ve been overlooking his intentions all this time.”
'Not Thinking' Does Not Mean 'Not Caring'
A student complains, “I always offer him rides because he doesn’t have a car on campus.”
When her car was in the shop for repairs for several days he actually had his father’s car.
“He didn’t even think to offer me a ride those two weeks to run errands.”
It didn’t occur to her he just doesn't 'think' in the caring way she does.
Seems she was equating “not thinking” with “not caring.
Making Amends
This story is about two friends, Penny and Martha, who were having a hurtful misunderstanding and their previous respect for each other was rapidly turning into resentment. This was during a time when Penny was busy working on a political campaign and Martha felt ignored.
When they came to see me to try to work things out, I suggested creating ‘amends’ that each could do — little acts of caring.
Penny’s ‘amend’ was she wanted Martha to take her to lunch at a new, kind of pricey restaurant.
Martha wanted Penny to call her once a week for three months, which is the amount of time she felt ignored while Penny was working so many hours on the political campaign.
And what did Martha want Penny to say in the phone call as an act of caring?
“Hi, Martha, I’m thinking about you.”
By the way, the workplace invites lots of opportunities to do some pebbling too. Many ways to sometimes make someone’s job a little lighter.
Do you have a great example of 'pebbling?' Either about good experiences or about misunderstandings.
I'd love to hear from you: email me at elayne@queenofrejection.com or on the comments section in the box below…
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are available on Kindle and
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! is now an Audio Book
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