By Elayne Savage, PhD
I live in fire-ravaged California. As you can imagine, life for many of us has been pretty chaotic.
This has been such an unsettling and scary time for most of us: massive uncertainty about Covid, the devastated economy, loss of our treasured routines and the accompanying stress and depression. And now for some of us, natural disasters and the out-of-control wildfires.
So three times in the last month my high altitude neighborhood received Red Flag fire warnings to be ready to evacuate because of the drought, lightening strikes and high winds.
(Addendum: a day after I wrote this, a 4th evacuation!)
Then city officials tossed in another warning: trying to escape a wildfire, we may not be able to drive the two miles down our narrow winding roads. They suggest we plan on walking.
Me? At my age with ever-present back and rib pain? Walk 2 miles carrying the cat and a Go-bag?
So what to do?
My daughter Jocelyn and my brother Lee supported the idea of getting a pet-friendly motel room. So we did.
Again, a week later, we evacuated to different pet-friendly motel. Then the two latest times my good friend, my long-ago college roommate Bette invited us to stay with her in a nearby town.
After the second evacuation we returned home to a dying refrigerator, although I guess you could say the new one I ordered sight unseen is comforting –– in a way.
For a month chaos and uncertainty abounded – permeating every pore, just like the tainted air we are trying to breathe. And we’re not even into our normal fire season yet.
So when the extended Red Flag warning ended, the cat and I returned home in time to watch the presidential debate. Big mistake. It brought more chaos, distress, turmoil and uncertainty when I was craving assurances, balance, security and comforting.
The wreckage I witnessed during this debate was all too similar to the devastation of nearby homes and properties.
And the extreme bullying brought back childhood experiences of mean-spirited name-calling, religious taunting and the times neighborhood boys threatened me in the alley behind my house.
When I’m around bullying behavior my reaction is visceral – the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to these disquieting childhood memories and makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Or throw up.
And that feeling sure took over during the debate!
The Imprint of Early Experiences
Over the years I’ve heard many similar descriptions from therapy and workplace clients about how unwelcome memories of childhood chaos come tumbling in and they feel re-traumatized whenever they observe these behaviors:
- steady barrages of unpredictability, impulsivity, changeableness, inconsistency, unreliability, volatility
- bickering, accusations and high drama
- personal, vindictive attacks and distrust
- bullying and name-calling
- blatant lying, exaggerations and distortions
- boundarylessness
- illogical thinking and flawed judgment
- fuzzy and confused communication
- self-justification and needing to make the other person ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’
- blaming others for own missteps, never acknowledging responsibility or apologizing for making a mistake
- crazy-making “you’re imagining it” repeated denials of what we know we have heard and seen –– often referred to as ‘gaslighting’
- deflecting by veering into irrelevant asides
- making and taking back statements
From ‘The Scariness of Unpredictability’
And the constant interrupting was especially unsettling to many, reminding them of not being listened to or heard – feeling dismissed – both in childhood and in their workplace and personal relationships.
The Master of Distractions and Deflections
And the interruptions lead to another observation: how President Trump's Mastery of Distraction and Deflection was on full display.
Seems to me the never-ending interruptions and cross-talk was a very successful attempt to deflect the questions and the issues.
We never got to know if President Trump could answer the questions because he didn’t have to make an attempt when he deflected by talking over Chris Wallace. And by talking over Joe Biden and not letting him finish his answers, President Trump was able to keep him from appearing knowledgeable. Very clever!
Journalists and editorial boards also offered opinions about these behaviors:
From the USA Today Editorial Board:
“As for Trump, he was nothing short of a horror show. He apparently didn’t get the memo about trying to expand his appeal. For months, he has seen his mission as turning out his core supporters and tearing down his Democratic opponent, attacking Biden as corrupt, a puppet of the far left and mentally incompetent.
Trump came in to Cleveland thinking that his job was talk over Biden whenever the former vice president was speaking. The effect was like an adolescent bully in a lunchroom cafeteria harassing people just to draw attention to himself. His outbursts were studded with nonsensical statistics and outright lies.”
“This was not the presidential debate that Trump needed to catch up with poll-leading Biden. More important, it was not the kind of debate that reassures America about the fate of its troubled democracy.”
https://amp.usatoday.com/amp/3580566001
From USA Today Opinion:
“If you’re a Trump supporter, you loved his obnoxious, bullying, in-your-face style. He bulldozed over Wallace, and frequently shoved Biden around verbally. Never mind that the president spewed countless distortions and bald-faced lies on a variety of topics. We’re in a post-truth, alternative facts world, where people can believe, if they choose to do so, that the sun rises in the West and sets in the East.
If you’re a Biden supporter, you loved how he laughed openly at Trump, how he told him to “stop yapping,” and how "everything he says is a lie… everyone knows he’s a liar.”
If you want to know what a second Trump term would be like, you saw it last night: Delusional, thoroughly dishonest, bullying and unable to tolerate dissent.“
https://amp.usatoday.com/amp/3571979001
And some fact-checking from USA Today:
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2020/09/30/debate-fact-check-biden-trump-covid-19-law-enforcement-more/3585342001/
Craving Comforting
I badly was needing some reassurance after my evacuation ordeals. I am grateful for the few moments Joe Biden spoke directly to viewers and in the midst of the chaos and disruption, trying to reassure. Unfortunately, the bullying by the president overshadowed any feeling of security Biden’s efforts might have allowed.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Did you watch the debate? Did you, too, have strong reactions, even on a visceral level?
Would you share your impressions?
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
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