By Elayne Savage, PhD
I was just reading about how to design the best creative April Fool's pranks for the office. The author thought these ideas were hilarious.
I didn't find them funny.
Thinking about April Fool's Day in the office conjures up memories of one of the worst work-related days of my life.
I was out of the building all morning, in a meeting on the other side of San Francisco. I got a phone call from my very upset co-workers. They found a memo on my desk that morning signed by the Program Director.
I was being immediately transferred to another work unit. Immediately meaning the following day.
Transferred immediately? What a shock. I was stunned at how unprofessional it was that I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to my current Child Protective Services clients.
The suddenness of this decision was disconcerting. For all of us.
Two co-workers traveled across town to meet me for lunch. We attempted to console each other. We agonized for hours about what this transfer would mean for me, for my clients and for the team. What a long and miserable day it turned out to be.
We returned to the office and at 4pm we learned the truth. The supervisor across the room 'fessed up. "Just a little April Fool's prank,” he explained. “Can’t you take a joke, Elayne?” Ha. Ha Ha.”
Ha, Ha Ha? His little 'joke' interrupted my work concentration for weeks. I found myself stewing about his seemingly malicious act. In spite of trying not to, I felt victimized by his action – especially when I heard his rationalization for writing the memo and forging the signature.
He finally admitted faking the transfer memo to punish me.
I Guess He Took Me Personally!
Apparently he was nursing negative feelings from an ad hoc meeting the week before when I’d respectfully disagreed with one of his ideas.
“I was just trying to teach Elayne a lesson,” he explained to staff. "So I wrote the memo, and I signed the signature of the Program Director." (That no one thought to question the legitimacy of such a capricious memo speaks reams about the certifiably dysfunctional environment at that place.)
For years I attempted to stay out of his way.
Too many times I’ve seen him being mean-spirited with others. I figured it was only a matter of time before he got around to bullying me as well.
Then we both found ourselves on this lunchtime committee. I was willing to take a chance on his bullying reputation because I felt the goals of the committee were crucial to resolving problems in the work environment of the Department.
I should have known better.
After he admitted his prank, we learned he also sent a fake transfer memo to another committee member. Apparently he was teaching her a lesson as well. She, too had resisted his ideas at the meeting the week before.
Because we were on different floors, neither of us knew of the other’s situation until the end of the day. He managed to upset quite a few people for quite a few hours.
Did I Take It Personally?
You bet I took it personally! (Of course in those days I took about everything personally.) Co-workers felt the ‘joke’ was personal because of the retaliatory and harassment aspects. I was stunned and hurt. For weeks I replayed the incident in my mind. It interfered with my work performance.
In retrospect I can see how his actions were more about him and his insecurities, then they were about me. And like most bullies, he was puffing himself up with this power play.
At the time it was the mean-spiritedness that hurt the most. And I just hated getting thrown so off-kilter by the unexpectedness of the 'assignment change' and the rejection/betrayal messages I gave myself.
And now, over 25 years later, I still have a visceral response when I think about that awful day. In fact, many years after the incident, I dreaded attending the memorial service for a coworker friend. Scary visions of running into the April Fools prankster almost kept me away.
The Ghost of the Bully in the Alley
Since childhood, bullying behavior triggers fearful reactions for me. When I was 6 years old and living in DC, the teenage boy next-door used to threaten me in the alley. And each time I’m exposed to bully behavior, that original child-like fear reoccurs in a PTSD-ish sort of way.
Being bullied is traumatic and painful. How deeply these experiences penetrate! How powerful an effect they can have for years to come!
It's said that we define who we are by the way we're treated by others. If others treat us with respect, we feel valued and come to think of ourselves as lovable. If we're treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as immensely unlovable.
When peer relationships are destructive, the scars that form are not easily healed. Old hurts stick around for a long time.
And yet for me, something good came from it. In a kind of convoluted way the experience gave me the opportunity to develop interest in and expertise in workplace bullying.
What Bullying in the Workplace Looks Like
Bullying in the workplace involves repeated incidents intended to intimidate, offend, degrade embarrass or humiliate. Sometimes bullying takes the more subtle form of manipulation.
Bullying in the workplace takes a myriad of forms. Here are a few:
– harassing, intimidating, undermining, excluding or isolating, spreading rumors, invading privacy
– practical joking in a mean-spirited way
– constantly fault-finding or changing work guidelines
– assigning unreasonable duties or establishing impossible deadlines that are set-ups for failure
Workplace Bullying is Costly!
Bullying in the workplace takes an emotional and financial toll. Productivity and performance suffer because the person who feels bullied spends hours or days dwelling on the incident. Often concentration is shot.
And, too often, we take it home with us. Stress levels increase and family tensions arise.
Health problems develop: anxiety, insomnia, stomach problems and headaches.
Absenteeism, sick leave and job turnover increase.
And here's the most insidious part: there is usually a decrease in morale.
10 Tips for Bully-busting
* Remind yourself; The best defense against a bully is to take action. Bullies need victims, so empowering yourself is the key.
* Try not to get emotional – a show of emotion is often what they are after. Again, bullies need victims.
* Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is disrespectful and not acceptable and you will not tolerate it. Let them know It’s one thing to vent and express their frustration to you, but they cannot become abusive. Ask them to stop immediately.
* Document for HR (or superiors) in writing every instance – date, time, what was said, any witnesses.
* Speaking privately to the bully is one option, but putting it in writing to the bully is even better. Send a copy of the note to the bully’s supervisor (of if the supervisor is the bully, a copy should be sent to HR or the CEO.)
* Remind yourself that bullies are feeling neither good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel more powerful.
* When someone is feeling stressed or anxious they are most likely feeling out of control. They try to control their environment – but there are people in it who feel controlled by them.
* When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a lot of space. You can even this up by standing your ground and keeping your space so you won't easily deflate and feel diminished.
* Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you find yourself overreacting, early bullying experiences and rejection messages might be involved here.
* Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of harboring hurt and resentment.
For example: "I heard you say "________________."
When you said that it felt like you were teasing.
Even if you didn't intend it, I got upset.
I hope our future exchanges can be free of that."
And My All-time Favorite Tip . . .
The best way to get someone to give YOU respect is to show respect to them. Think about something you can appreciate about the other person. It can even be something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of clothing or colors, their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on that ‘something.’
They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe some respect will come right back at ya . . .
Have you had experiences with workplace April Fool's jokes that turned into harassment or bullying? I'd love to hear your story.
elayne@QueenofRejection.com or you can post on the COMMENTS section below.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
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