Rage is ‘Anger with a History’ – Trying to Make Sense of the Sandy Hook School Killings

Dec 14, 2012

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by Elayne Savage, PhD

(Actually I was just about to post on another topic, but I want
to offer you this piece about rage in light of the Sandy Hook Elementary
School killings in Connecticut. I guess it's a way for me to try to make some sense out of the senselessness that has been so disturbing.)

Taking something personally – feeling rejected, wronged, slighted, or intruded on – can evoke rage.

Rage is beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects something happening in the present, rage reflects overwhelming feelings from the past which intrude into the present situation. Rage is 'anger with a history.'   

A distressing event in the present becomes unbearable when it reminds us of painful experiences from the past.   

Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged. And once expelled, it contaminates our surroundings.

It Starts with Feeling 'Dissed'

Here's how it unfolds: It starts with feeling 'dissed' in some way: disrespected, disdained, dismissed, discarded, discredited, disregarded, dishonored, or disenfranchised. Often, it feels like someone is invading your personal space.  

Before we know it we're taking something personally. An out-of-control response gets triggered, and we find ourselves having runaway reactions to present day situations.  

When we're feeling vulnerable, or scared, or hurting, we tend to protect yourselves by taking a tough stance. We puff ourselves up and even engage in aggressive behaviors. We act out our rage on the offending person who doesn’t have a clue that we are most likely retaliating against all the bullies from our childhood.   

We become outraged, then enraged. One minute feeling like a victim. The next, becoming victimizer. Wanting to get back at the person who is doing the victimizing.

Trading Roles

In Don't Take It Personally! I use the Karpman Drama Triangle to describe how we trade roles in personal and professional relationships, giving examples of feeling resentful or victimized, of pushy or bullying attitudes, and of caretaking or rescuing behaviors. Sometimes we may find ourselves switching from role to role from one moment to the next.   

The three points of the Drama Triangle are represented by the roles of Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. The roles are interchangeable, with each person playing one of them at one time or another, and seeing other people in them at one time or another. Sometimes a person may switch from Victim to Persecutor to Rescuer in a flash, other times it’s a slower process.  

And how easy it is to feel like a “victim” when we take things personally!

Holding Grudges

Just as rage is toxic to relationships, holding grudges is especially eroding. This kind of resentment takes up so much space in personal or work relationships that there is no longer room for connection.

  Before we know it, we’re feeling out of control and behaving badly. How can this be happening? How can we be behaving so outrageously?   

But, then again, our behavior may merely be a reflection of the outrageous times in which we live.

Newtown families are in my thoughts and in my broken heart.

Adapted from Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

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Elayne
Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional 
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To
find out  more about her speaking programs, coaching
and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

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Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

Categories: anger, Anger, Connecticut, dissing, Don’t Take It Personally!, Karpman Drama Triangle, Newtown, Rage, rage, Rejection, Resentment, Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, taking personally

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Comments

3 responses to “Rage is ‘Anger with a History’ – Trying to Make Sense of the Sandy Hook School Killings”

Dorie Rosenberg

December 15, 2012

This is a good one. I love the way you found the word rage embedded as a root to other words.
Thanks for sending it.
~Dorie Rosenberg
http://www.dorierosenberg.com

Reply
Mollie Wilmot

December 15, 2012

Yes, thats a great explanation of rage. Its anger with a history. Its a great way of putting it “with a history”
Yes it has built up over time, been quietened for a long time and becomes like a volcano, boiling and waiting to burst out and explode and when it does its uncontrollable and unpredictable.  
Mollie Wilmot

Reply
Gaines

December 15, 2012

This one is the most tragic, to me, because of who was killed.
It defies comprehension which makes your writings all the more important.
Gaines

Reply