By Elayne Savage, PhD
Want more information about communication? You can read an expanded version of this blog in PsychologyToday.com //www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201203/get-back-track-when-conversations-get-derailed
Isn't it amazing how easily relationships can get off track when we misunderstand someone's words or intent, assume negative thoughts and take it personally?
Someone feels disrespected or discounted or dismissed based on what the other person says or does. Or doesn't say or do.
And it gets more complicated when we consider how each person's behavior affects and is affected by the other person's behavior.
When you're feeling snubbed, hurt and rejected, how do you suppose you'll react the next time you see that person?
Might you find yourself avoiding that person's eyes in your next interaction? What if your hurt shows on your face or body language? Might they may interpret it as judgement or disdain? Or think you have an 'attitude?'
Playing 'Fill in the Blanks'
Now it's the other person's turn to 'fill in the blanks.' They'll try to figure out why you're acting the way you are. They may start thinking something like:
- "Did I just say something stupid?"
- "Maybe you don't want to work on this project with me."
- "Maybe you really don't like me."
If they begin dwelling on thoughts like these they may close off from you, feeling the need to protect themselves. And how will you respond to them?
It sure can get awkward, can't it?
Talk About Vicious Circles!
Before you know it, there is an exchange of behaviors that rapidly
gets out of control. Here's an example from 'Breathing Room:'
"#1 says something to #2. And #2 thinks #1 means something negative or critical by what is said. Then #2 reacts protectively, that is to say, withdraws. And #1 reacts to the perceived withdrawal, perhaps getting hurt or angry. And on and on it goes, with no beginning and no end.
"In other words, #1 doesn’t do it to #2. #2 doesn’t do it to #1. They do it with each other. Each partner’s behavior affects and is affected by the other person’s behavior."
You can change any personal or work relationship. All it takes is for one person to change. And because relationships are relational, one change affects another. When the relationship changes, it can lead to more individual change. And on and on.
Checking Things Out
Runaway reciprocal behaviors can get off track pretty fast. By checking things out with the other person, you stop the runaway behaviors from further damaging the relationship.
Clarifying someone's meaning can be scary sometimes, but look at all the energy you can save by not building anger or resentment.
Here is a simple way to check things out:
"This is what I heard you say ______________.
Is it what you said?
Is it what you meant?"
Can you see how this could give permission for the other person to say, "It's not what I meant to say," or "I didn't mean for it to sound like that."
Let’s look at how relationship interactions can so easily get off track.
Understanding Sequence and Reciprocity
Understanding how sequence and reciprocity affect personal and work relationships dynamics will help you navigate potentially energy-draining negative conversations.
Sequence in this context refers to both positive and problematic behaviors in the relationship – identifying what behavior comes before and what behavior follows. And what comes before that? And before that? What behavior comes after? Soon a pattern of interaction emerges.
Related to sequence is reciprocity – the effect of behavior on future behaviors – how one response begets another. In other words, every action is also a reaction, creating a circular rather than linear process of relating.
Thinking in terms of reciprocity lets you take a good look at how both of you participate in and contribute to the flow of any interaction. In both negative and positive ways.
In other words, what someone thinks you are thinking about them is how they are going to respond to you.
Really, Really Awkward
Let's go back to our early example where your relationship was starting to feel awkward. What can you do to get things back on track?
By identifying and addressing the awkwardness you can create an entree back into a respectful relationship.
Yes, it's a difficult conversation to have – but here's an idea for a start:
"I've noticed that it feels awkward between us lately.
I wonder if it has felt the same for you?
I'd really like our relationship to get back on track.
Can we talk about how we can make this happen?"
I'd love to hear your experiences with communication misfires. Were you able
to get them back on track? elayne@QueenofRejection.com
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month, Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
//www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
//tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
//tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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